"The Crying Sky"

May 22, 2012
July 18, 2012

This journal was given to me to try to understand the workings of my mind as I stay in this mental asylum. I feel like whoever is going to read this journal should at least understand the person who is writing this anyway. My name is Ogichi Shirosaki. I was born with the birth defect of being an albino, my whole body is the color of snow and I have the classic red eyes. Scientists and doctors would label me as having a bad genetic make-up or an interesting human being, but behind all those words are much simpler ones that other children my age, which is 9, have no problem calling me. I’m always known as that freak, monster, weirdo, thing, it, and the list goes on for another page or so.

Loneliness is a sin.
Alone I am, I can’t win.

I’ve lived my whole life listening to people calling me these names, always saying that I’m anything but human. I’ve had my fair share of violence, that’s why I took karate classes but they always seem to come back. They refer to me as an animal, one that can’t seem to comprehend their words and what they do to me. Though, it would make more sense to call them the animals for they only base their judgment on what their instincts tell them. One look at me and they would immediately dub me as a freak just because I’m different. This mental asylum is basically the same thing, they keep people who are different and “unstable” away from those who aren’t. It’s like we have some kind of disease. However, I don’t care about any of their meaningless lives, for all I care they could all go die in a hole.

Life is a messed up pain.

Now, why do you think I’m in here in the first place? Is it because I’m a freak? Is it because I’m a lunatic? Do I kill everyone I see for no reason? Do I see or hear spirits and go running around complaining about it even though it’s in my head? Oh no, far from any of those trivial reasons. They keep me in here because I’m a genius. This may sound arrogant to you, but I’m simply stating a fact. Let me explain my reasoning. Have you heard of the phrase, “There is a fine line between genius and insanity”? Well, I passed that line years ago when I was only 7 years old, and I stabbed a person to death.

I try but die in vain.

July 19, 2012

That there folks would have been the classic cliffhanger moment or the scene where dramatic music plays, except life isn’t a glorified soap opera. I’m apologizing to you readers, it was suppose to be “lights out” and if they see you moving, then they make you go to sleep. Though, I shall elaborate further on what I meant when I stabbed someone to death. You see I have always been different, no matter if it's physically or mentally. For example, if you give a 7 year old a gun, they might accidentally shoot you in the head. Now, if you give me a gun, I will shoot you in the head. With accuracy. You understand the difference? While normal kids were wasting their time watching T.V. and playing video games, I spend my time on the computer looking up how to build almost anything. Guns, bombs, chairs, beds, lamp, etc. You name it and I bet with the right materials I can make it. This just made me even more of a loner, but on the other hand there was only one person who had truly accepted my behavior, my mom.

The world’s laughing at me.

I had loved her with all my heart and she was the only person I could open up to. I was happy because I could ignore the rude comments made by other people but her's meant the world to me. Now as I think back, it’s funny how that one-day totally changed my life and took away my happiness forever. Ugh, if you could only see me now, I’m rolling my eyes at just how cliche the sentence before this one sounded. It is absolutely true, I’m afraid.

I’m lost, without a key.

That day, I was walking home from school hand in hand with my mom. It was a dark stormy day and the sky split open with gallons of heavy rain. I remember even now, I had asked such a silly questions because I may be smart but, hey, I’m still a kid.

“Why is the sky crying? Is it sad? Did something happen?” I asked sadly, the rain had always made me sad too.
“I don’t know, my white lily. The sky and heavens always seem to be one step ahead of us. Maybe it has seen something saddening,” she whispered in a gentle tone. I considered this for a moment and asked her, “Can I cheer the sky up?”
“You can try your best sweetheart but, I don’t think they will hear you all the way up in heaven,” she told me. I nodded, understanding her reasoning, but I was determined. So I ran out from under the cover of the umbrella and held my hands to the sky yelling, “It’s ok! You don’t have to be sad. You aren’t alone! I will be sad with you if you want! My mom taught me that life always gets better. So one sad thing will be over and the next day is brand new and filled with possibilities! That’s why, you shouldn’t cry!” I continued to stare at the sky for another moment but the rain continued to pour. I lowered my head in disappointment but my mom’s melodic voice brought my spirits back up, “That was very well said. You are turning into quite wise. I’m very proud of you.” I beamed at her and hugged her tightly. She patted my head in comfort.

“Well, well, well what a touching scene,” a rough, gravelly voice hiccupped. I tried to pull away from my mom but she held me tight in her grip.
“What do you want?” She asked in a calm tone, but her eyes were narrowed slits.
The man casually pulled out a gun and waved it around. “Oh, nothing. Just a poor man who wanted to take a walk on this lovely day,” he replied. I could feel the tension in my mom’s arm, but suddenly she turned me around and started dragging me away in the other direction. My shoes and socks were sopping wet and couldn’t find purchase on the ground. The man was quickly gaining on us. We ran faster, I was so afraid, but my mom reassuring hand in mine kept me from falling into that hopeless darkness. Then, several gunshots rang through the sky. Next thing I knew, everything slowed down. My mother laid splayed out, blood dripping out from a hole in her chest and one in her head. I instantly knew, my mom was gone.

The darkness swallowed me.

The one I loved most. The only person who had saved me from falling into the darkness of my heart. Gone. That was the only word that would clearly register in my mind as I stared at her lifeless body. My mind snapped. The man was slowly walking over to my mom’s body and me. I’ve had enough. Enough of being that helpless freak people would pick on. Enough of not being able to defend myself. I’ve had it.

I slipped my hand into my pocket and fingered my treasured pocketknife. I could feel the man’s disgusting alcoholic breath breathing down my neck as he held the cold gun to my head. “Sorry, but freaks deserve to die,” he whispered. The next few moments were a blur to me. I only remember spinning around and stabbing him. Where, even I don’t know. I only know that I stabbed him, and stabbed him, and stabbed him. I knew he was on the ground bleeding but I continued. Blood. There was so much blood everywhere. On the road, covering my hands, my clothes, and pouring everywhere in rivers. I had lost it, but at one point I had held my hand to my face. I was smiling and I was enjoying it. The very next day the sky had took my advice and the sun was shining brightly in the blue sky. Now, it was my turn to cry.

I’m blinded, I can’t see.

July 20, 2012

Today I went to court. It was neat and organized, but so boring. They were trying to sort my case out and see if they can put even more labels on me. Probably like psycho, murder, killer, heartless, cold, and many more but I don’t want to bore you with such things. You might be confused as to why my case is being dealt with now but I’ve actually only been in here for a few days. I know the incident about me stabbing the person that killed my mom was 2 years ago, but the real reason why I’m in this place is because after my mom died I was extremely unstable. Therefore, I killed anyone who called me names because my mom wasn’t there to keep me from the darkness anymore. So I killed. It was only recently that they traced several cases of these killings back to me, and here I am! My lawyer was a man with bright orange hair and a constant scowl on his face. His hair definitely stood out in contrast to the dark asylum walls. Though, when he glanced at me there was something in his honey brown eyes that had me frowning as well. It was pity. PITY! I don’t need this guy’s pity! What a mindless simpleton. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through and no one ever will.

My protector is gone.

When lawyer from the other side asked me questions, I would always answer with a great big psychotic smirk on my face just to freak him out. Once, I even heard him curse under his breath. I knew my grin grew so wide that it threatened to split my face in half and I replied curtly, “Please don’t use such rude profanities in court.” You should have seen his face! It turned into a bright shade of red, and I’m pretty sure a slight smirk formed on my lawyer’s face as well. The judge eyed me warily and dismissed the court for the day. My lawyer walked me back to my cell and asked if I needed anything. I guess I was right when I said he was a simpleton. I put on my most innocent face and tried to make my eyes water with tears. I stared at him and told him in my sweetest voice, “Well, there is some things I want..... It’s just so lonely being in my cell. It’s so dark and cold. I’m so scared. But it would make me feel better if you got me some of the things I wanted to play with.” His eyes softened and he gave me a small smile. “Of course! I would be happy to help,” he replied gently, while patting my head and trying to comfort my fake crying. Hook, line, and sinker!

I motioned with my hands to bend down, and whispered the materials I needed. I watched his expression carefully, when he got suspicious of one item his eyebrows would furrow in confusion and I would quickly explain why I needed it. Then his face would clear back into a thoughtful expression. Sucker, this guy is too gullible. In addition, if he gets me exactly what I tell him too, then the fun is just about to begin.

I’m as weak as a pawn.

July 21, 2012

Today was another court day. Supposedly, my case is supposed to end in tomorrow which means I have to finish what I am building before then. That foolish orange-headed lawyer of mine actually got me all the supplies and materials I asked for! What a sucker, and it amuses me greatly how much concern he has for me. The court had ended early and I was in my room since the afternoon and it was night now. At least I think so. It’s hard to tell when there are no clocks or windows in this entire building. Eh, I don’t care. It gave me a lot of time to think and work on my device. Not to mention, the security in this place is horrible so we are basically left to our own devices. I bet someone would have escaped and these lousy guards wouldn’t even know. Huh, who’s the animal now? At least, I actually spend my time doing something, instead of just sleeping and stuffing myself until I die from a heart attack due to high cholesterol.

So since I had so much time to think, I realized something ironic. My mom taught me to always move on with my life and that sad things always pass. Yet, here I am. An albino kid considered a murderer and highly unstable, locked away in a mental asylum. Ah, the irony. There wasn’t much to write today. It was just boring. Well, it doesn’t matter I’m close to finishing my secret project. Oh, and if you are wondering what it is, well I’m sorry to tell you that i have no intention of telling you what it is until I use it!

I want to start anew.

There’s no one to cry to.

July 22, 2012

Today’s the last day. The last day for everything. I finally finished what I was building! It took me a bit longer than I thought, but nevertheless it’s complete. Right now, as far as I know it’s early in the morning. I wanted to get up and set up everything before my lawyer could come get for court. So I waited and waited patiently, going over my plan in my head. My lawyer arrived a bit earlier than usual but, he said that he only wanted to talk about my last day. He told me that the jury was probably on my side, and that I had only acted on self defense. He told me that today’s court day will be quick and I will be free to go back to my family. He actually gave me a genuine smile right before he left, and promised to come get me in another hour for court. I faked a smile back. After he left, I burst out laughing. Good thing these walls are sound proof. HA! What a load of lies. I stabbed that kid calling me a freak just for self-defense? I killed him because I wanted to! Seriously, and to think I thought their stupidity already reached its max they go making foolish assumptions! Not to mention, my precious family are the people who put in this tortuous place! However, he was right about one thing. I am finally going to be free.

Three words I keep inside.

Unspoken until I die.

I quickly set up the device I made in the center of the cell. The scent of the fresh lily flowers I put on the device drifted and spread throughout the cell. It was comforting since it was the same scent that my mom had loved. One of the items that I had asked my lawyer to bring was a clock, and now as I stare at it, it read 4:58. I set the timer on the clock to 5, which is 10 minutes before I have to go to court. I can close my eyes and clearly picture the dark clouds hanging low in the sky, threatening to pour out its tears on the Earth. Does the sky know?

As I continue to stare at the clock, I actually felt happy for once since my mom had died. I know because my well-known psychotic smile is back on my face. The same one I wore when I stabbed my mom’s killer to death. The same one I wore when I killed anyone who dared to cross my path. Though, I know that this psychotic smile is just a fake facade. Underneath this gleaming malice was a little kid who was lost in a world without his mom. Sometimes I’ve wondered if my life would’ve been different if my mom was alive. It probably would have but eventually down the road, I’d turn into the corrupt child that I am now. The irony of all of this is just too amusing. Isn’t it convenient that today is the anniversary of my mom’s death as well? It was like everything was all planned out, it was like God had decided my future right when my mom died. And maybe he did, but I have no way of knowing. Even as I write down these last few words, the timer is ticking and slowly counting down.

Loneliness is a sin

Alone I am, I can’t win
Life is a messed up pain
I try but die in vain

The world’s laughing at me
I’m lost, without a key
The darkness swallowed me
I’m blinded, I can’t see

My protector is gone
I’m as weak as a pawn
I want to start anew
There’s no one to cry to

Three words I keep inside
Unspoken until I die
Words unknown to me.....why?
Words I’ve never heard.....why?

Mom didn’t say these words either
My dead angel is so cruel
Yet you’re the only one

I love you.......

Don't worry; I’ll finally be able to see you again. I’ll finally be able to properly protect you, like you did for me. I’m finally going to start my life over, and this time I will be with you forever. I’m coming to you, mom......... This time, will the sky cry?

Join the Discussion

This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

Dstyp said...
May 31, 2012 at 10:31 am
Well developed characters. Great building and mounting of suspense throughout the entires. I love how you incorporated phrases throughout the entries into the poem at the end. 
Site Feedback