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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.



Join the Discussion

This article has 1857 comments. Post your own now!

Courtney A. said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 7:27 pm
Oh my gosh this was HILARIOUS! You did a very good job summarizing all the books. Kudos to you! :) I was obsessed with those books at one point...now I don't see how I did it! LOVE THIS!!
 
messyjessi1208 said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 4:20 pm
haha I love this! I was literally laughing while reading this to my friends. Bravo. Bravo(:
 
Brittany W. said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 3:49 pm
NFW! I LOVE THIS ARTICLE SOOOO FUNNY KINDA LIKE THE SPINN OFF OF THE BOOKS BY THE HARVARD JOURNALS.
 
Starfire said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Lol very funny! What made you come up with this?

 

 
Mrsclemmensen said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 12:06 am
OMG i laughed so hard i cried. Nice, it makes Twilight seem a whole lot funnier.... :)
 
thelastclarissa This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 18, 2010 at 12:40 pm
hah. so funny! i like twilight, but it has some seriously ridiculous stuff in it... =)
 
ando_is_the_fkn_bst said...
Apr. 18, 2010 at 1:00 am
omfg that is HILARIOUS!!!
 
Sobriquet This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 17, 2010 at 3:44 pm
LOL I LOVED THIS! This was brilliant, especially because I HATE Twilight xD
 
akwolfchick This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 15, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Briliant! I'm not the biggest twilight fan so this really cracked me up!
 
SerraAngel replied...
Apr. 16, 2010 at 8:24 pm
LOL!!!!! Also Plz check out Eternal night: Capter 1 and COMMENT. :)
 
jonas_chic899 said...
Apr. 15, 2010 at 4:57 pm
lolol that made me laugh!! ive only read the 1st two books but that was still funny!!!
 
AmberAnn_d-_-b said...
Apr. 15, 2010 at 8:36 am
Oh my gosh hilarious, I love this. This pretty much captues it haha. I almost cried laughing XD
 
SandyC said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 9:57 pm
LOL....i LUV this...i have been waiting for someone to make fun of the Twlight Saga, an you did it perfectly
 
greystar said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 7:55 pm
OMG that was awesomly perfect! i love twilight, but this was hilarious!: D
 
vampiresrock said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Nice! I LOVE the Twilight Saga, and this was halarious!!!!   I loved it! Kudos to you!
 
SerraAngel replied...
Apr. 16, 2010 at 8:28 pm
right now I'm lmao!!!!!
 
Metree This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 10:26 am
Thank you so much for this gem lol it was awesome
 
spag-bol-lover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 6:13 am
I READ THE SAGA AND LIKED IT LODES FOR LIKE SIX WEEKS! I EVEN GOT A TEE SHIRT! BUT YOUTSYOURS WAS REALLY FUNNY!!!! YOU SHOULD INCLUDE A MOCKING BIT ABOUT BELLABELLS BEING DEPRESSED FOR LIKE THE ENTIRE OF NEW MOON! "IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE PUNCHED A HOLE IN MY CHEST"!!!! HA HA HA U R FUNNY! BTW SOYY ABOUT CAPS, MY PHONE WONTWON'T LET ME WRITE IN LOWER CAPS! 
 
DaniWill This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Oh my god... that was hillarious!!! :D My abs hurt from laughing so much! You should totally do this for more series!!!
 
Undiscovered said...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm
That was hysterical! Oh my gosh! I have been sick and tired of all these nutty Twilight fans that were ruining the book! This made me laugh!
 
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