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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.




Join the Discussion


This article has 1764 comments. Post your own!

alice! said...
Mar. 11, 2010 at 9:04 am:
Lol!! :) :).. Definitely going to my favourites!!! Nice one!! :D :D!!!
 
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JeanGrey said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 2:56 pm:
THAT....WAS...AWESOME!!!funniest thing about Twilight I ever read!
 
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arellasinuThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 9:43 am:
that was the funnyest twilight fan story im ever read!! and trust me i read alot lol
 
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Dragonslayer5000 said...
Mar. 9, 2010 at 4:39 pm:
lol, Good job! :)
 
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Ashley S. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 5:58 pm:
Oh my goodness! This is awesome! Absolutely hilarious! I gotta give you props; you are now my hero.
 
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magic-esi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 4:02 pm:
This is absolutely hilarious! It's true, too (well, I can't speak for the end of it, but it reminds me of when I tried to read Twilight). You're a great writer!
 
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missca1229 said...
Mar. 8, 2010 at 9:49 am:
You honestly just made my day. I agree with everything you said. Bella is a rollercoaster. It was humorous. I love it because it wasn't up the butt "I love Twilight! Mehhh". It was great
 
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i_am_nobody said...
Mar. 7, 2010 at 12:09 pm:
omg's that was absolutly HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!
 
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SpecialK said...
Mar. 6, 2010 at 2:37 pm:
ROFLMAO Oh my gods this is hilarious!! And pretty accurate!
 
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Fallen said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:52 pm:
too funny... I liked Twilight before it became so big and it good top see people make fun of it....
 
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potentialgurl said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:06 pm:
ROTFL HAHAHAHA!!! SOOOO FUNNY!
 
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Syarra_Greenwood said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm:
Wow! that was sooooo funny. i luved it and am going to share it with all of my friends.
 
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Rose19 said...
Mar. 5, 2010 at 7:14 am:
lol.. awesome !!
 
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MusicIsLife013 said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm:
that was the funniest thing ever!!!! :)
 
WhiteTigress replied...
Mar. 15, 2010 at 10:20 am :
RLMAO that was awesome
 
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inspiredpoet said...
Mar. 4, 2010 at 5:48 pm:
Hilarious. great job
 
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SilverSnowflakes said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 2:56 pm:
I like twilight - don't love it or hate it, and this was really funny! especially since I mis-read 'minutes' as 'minuets' and had this mental image of some people dancing two minuets during the play...
 
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XenonG said...
Mar. 3, 2010 at 5:52 am:
that was hilarious!!!! definitely going in my favorites!!
 
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live.laugh.spaz said...
Mar. 2, 2010 at 5:44 am:
this is SO FUNNNY xD :) you should really make a movie with this....its HILARIOUS ;D
 
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BradTastic17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 28, 2010 at 3:18 pm:
Wow, so funny! I love how even in this small excerpt of the saga, Edward had more personality than he did in the actual books. Thanks for the laugh.
 
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