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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

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This article has 1870 comments. Post your own now!

LindsayB This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 1:53 pm
you do know that Stephanie Meyer is the publisher of teenink and therefore probably read this, right?
StrangeJade This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 6, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Actually, I looked it up and the publisher of TI magazine is Stephenie H. Meyer. The Stephenie Meyer who wrote Twilight has the middle initial M. But she should read this anyway. :P
Ruth V. said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 9:57 am
Oh My God! This was awesome! It's true and it saved me four books and what is it now? Four movies?
reenay_95 said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 9:38 am
Aemma said...
Jun. 21, 2011 at 1:24 pm
HAHAHAAHA!! OK this was realy funny it had me cracking up like crazy over here. This was so  true! Very nice job ! :D
Shadowrider said...
Jun. 20, 2011 at 11:13 pm
This is so true! It cracked me up! I LOVED it! I think it's hilarious, and way too true!
Jacy-Lee said...
Jun. 20, 2011 at 12:37 pm

this is pretty depressing...considering this is all there is to Twilight.


Lucifersangel123 said...
Jun. 18, 2011 at 11:14 pm
makes me wanna laugh, most of its kinda true
Kattelatte123 said...
Jun. 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm
This is infinitely better than the real thing.
Wixkedlovy said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 9:36 pm
It's funny because that is exactly what Bella is like. Unintelligent.
Wixkedlovy said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm
This should be a serious movie...or at least a little video on YouTube.
Missyninja said...
Jun. 15, 2011 at 5:16 pm
That's was funny, I loved it and much better then the movie or books.
vannatee101 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm
Genius! This would make a great skit for the showcase at our school.
Bgeek24 said...
Jun. 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Wow that's one way to put it! I loved it! So funny.
Ramsha S. said...
Jun. 8, 2011 at 9:41 pm

So funny! Definitely better than the real book!


liliy said...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 9:42 am
my eggo is preggo, thats stupid not even funny,
NeverShoutNeverFan replied...
Jun. 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm
dont be hatin
Arco_Sine replied...
Jun. 15, 2011 at 6:44 pm
It's alright to point out bad comedy in a bad script.
Babbe2 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 10:19 am
OMG Bad Script? r u serious? I semi like twilight and thought this was amazing!!!! i know its ok to point out bad things but dont just say "bad script" say way it was a bad script and what the author could do to change it.....btw amazing script loved it :)
Arco_Sine replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I said that because it uses sophomoric humor to please people. Witty humor, or well though out dialogue is what I respect. So when I see something that only sets out to be poorly polished it bugs me.
Babbe2 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 12:58 pm
See and now it makes sense and i respect ur opinion`
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