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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1812 comments. Post your own now!

Bgeek24 said...
Jun. 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm
Wow that's one way to put it! I loved it! So funny.
Ramsha S. said...
Jun. 8, 2011 at 9:41 pm

So funny! Definitely better than the real book!


liliy said...
Jun. 7, 2011 at 9:42 am
my eggo is preggo, thats stupid not even funny,
NeverShoutNeverFan replied...
Jun. 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm
dont be hatin
Arco_Sine replied...
Jun. 15, 2011 at 6:44 pm
It's alright to point out bad comedy in a bad script.
Babbe2 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 10:19 am
OMG Bad Script? r u serious? I semi like twilight and thought this was amazing!!!! i know its ok to point out bad things but dont just say "bad script" say way it was a bad script and what the author could do to change it.....btw amazing script loved it :)
Arco_Sine replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I said that because it uses sophomoric humor to please people. Witty humor, or well though out dialogue is what I respect. So when I see something that only sets out to be poorly polished it bugs me.
Babbe2 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 12:58 pm
See and now it makes sense and i respect ur opinion`
RockGirl182 said...
Jun. 6, 2011 at 11:13 am
don't know if i wrote a comment already coz i've read this about 100 times so i'll just say it once more : HILARIOUS  !!!!!!!!!!!!!! could you do this with the harry potter series ???? ( and i'm a fan of both ) but ur soo good at this !!! :) 5/5 :D 
RockGirl182 replied...
Jun. 6, 2011 at 11:16 am
best line : Dance off !! :)
rosie93 replied...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Agreed! That was an excellent line :)
AddictedToWriting said...
Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm


Wooow...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you don't like Twilight very much, right?

lol.  Nice job.  ^_^

ZulimaC This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 4, 2011 at 8:00 pm
I love Twilight and I would usually be defensive...but this was really really funny;) There's always room to make fun of Twilight XD 
Starling005 said...
Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:05 am
niiiice lol..
Raisa said...
Jun. 3, 2011 at 11:44 am
Niharika said...
Jun. 3, 2011 at 11:33 am
Hilarious! My eggo is preggo. Lol :P
KaylynB. said...
Jun. 3, 2011 at 9:58 am
ive read this  soooooooo    many times i can say it without looking! <3 it!
MeatBall said...
Jun. 1, 2011 at 9:36 am
Hahaha. This is sooo hiliraious! jahahhahhaha>(:
StelaDalca said...
May 31, 2011 at 10:40 pm
LOL! way better than stephanie Meyer
tatertot1311 said...
May 31, 2011 at 7:06 pm
This is amazing!!! I haven't stopped laughing!!! :)
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