The Color Of The Inside Of My Mouth This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

January 22, 2009
I wipe at my stupid eyes with the back of my hand, and it startles me for a second that my tears are gray. I dunno why it surprised me; I mean, I buy the s***ty mascara that’s $1.99 in the 20 Items or Less checkout lane. Why spend oodles of green on something I hardly ever use?

I just wanted to look nice, you know? Like those girls who’re just naturally fake pretty. The girls who can blend shades of eyeshadow like no one’s business, and match their lipstick to the exact color of their toenail polish or whatever. Seemingly effortless, yet impeccably coordinated.

This is good stuff, I should write for a living – solely on the subject of beauty queens with superiority complexes, of course.

I just want … God, what do I want? I want to feel the sun on my face and paint the clouds and hear the music in the trees and love myself and love someone else and just feel perpetually beautiful.

But that requires the $14.99 waterproof, fire-retardant, Grade-5-hurricane-resistant mascara, not the tube that’s two bucks in Lane 4.

My shoes are dirty and outdated, but that’s how I like them. I like these shoes. They’re comfortable. Why do I need new, expensive, fashionably appealing shoes in order for someone to say, “Hey dogg, you look nice today”?

And why is it that whenever I get deathly bored and slather cheap, pore-clogging makeup all over my face everyone suddenly says, “Wow, you look pretty!”? Since when is “pretty” about whale blubber and cocoa butter?

I’ll tell you one thing, though. I most definitely am not crying about some stupid XY.

Definitely not.

I’m crying for all the whales that have to give up their fatty insulation so that some fugly anorexic super bitch can paint herself pretty every freaking day, giving him something halfway decent to oggle all the time.

Seriously, I’m not leaking saltwater over a guy.

I just think it’s cruel and unfair that the fat-endowed marine life population doesn’t even get the slightest warning that they’ll soon be on a cosmetics endcap at K-Mart.

He could have at least broken it to me gently, you know? We’ve been friends since the George Bush/Al Gore debacle.

I mean come the Bette Midler on.

I spill my blood, guts, and viscera out to this guy and he throws down the “Let’s just be friends” card without a second thought?

It’s just … it’s common courtesy to ease someone into heartbreak, not smash it over their head like a whiffleball bat.

You know what? I’m going to take my $1.99 checkout Lane 4 mascara and chuck it right at her big, stupid square head.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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This article has 476 comments. Post your own now!

RedheadAtHeart This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 27, 2011 at 7:18 pm
This is lovely. Your style is so colorful, and everything rings true.
Noxfaratos said...
Feb. 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm
Ahh I loved this. It was funny, not boring, and honestly.... true! I hope you write more, can't wait to read them! :)
Lilly G. said...
Feb. 11, 2011 at 10:20 pm
this is really good :D i love it, keep up the good writing
dawson said...
Feb. 5, 2011 at 11:41 am
This is great! Raw and funny. Above all, not too long and boring. Keep up the great work!
GothChik95 said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 7:29 pm
I love writers that are rite with a raw and in-your-face language. This was a great example of tht. This was awesome! 3 thumbs up!!
GothChik95 replied...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 7:31 pm
I just realized tht i suck at typin tonight, tht says i love writers tht write with a raw, so on and so on. my bad!!
ShelbyMarie93 said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 10:44 am
That was truly amazing! It ade me laugh, it made me think, it's got everything a good piece of writing needs. You rock! Keep writing!
DreamingOutLoud This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 9:59 am

My first reaction was: Lol.

Sophisticated, huh?

But this is gold. I've never seen a style more frank. Good work. =)

WriterChic replied...
Feb. 11, 2011 at 11:06 am
i completely agree with you! this is an amazing piece of writing!
SallySunshine said...
Jan. 20, 2011 at 8:55 am
honestly yer a great writer. i luv that im not the only person who dosent feel like putting 100 dollers worth of mascera and lipstick on every day. your story really hooks people, draws'em in and punches them in da face, they say "woah" cuz yer story is awesome. and then you leave them thinking this was a great story and they want to read more. the only thing i think could be better is that you could tell us more bout 'her' then we would tottaly understauying nd and everybody would read yer... (more »)
thekidwiththepiano said...
Jan. 14, 2011 at 10:10 pm

This story's hilarious and sad all at once! And angsty. I looooove it!

I can definitely relate with the narrator and her lovely cynicism. :P

BlackHaru said...
Jan. 8, 2011 at 9:26 pm

This is AWESOME!!!! Love it!!!!!!


autumntate2015 said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 9:28 pm
i really don't know how to describe how much i loved this. it really speaks to me. because i went through the same thing. telling myself i wouldnt cry over him, and realizing that is exactly what i did and still do...cry, over him. so i convince myself it is because of something else. thank you for writing this. it is beautiful. i love it.
softballfreak42 said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm

i totaly agre with u... b urslf n dont let ny1 change that =)

n if that guy cant see you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve to be wit u

Anime_lover7 said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Thats a great story!
KrystalT said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I wish I could write like that. And I deffinately agree withwhat you are saying. also I thought mascara was made out of bat poop. Any way, I like your writing.
buzzlikebea This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 2:56 pm
ok... i dont know what your intentions were but i laughed and wanted to give you a hug at the same time.  this was pretty cute and funny and angry all at the same time.
RainyWriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I'm a little confused too, as to why it says "her". But anyway, I liked reading the story (or manifesto?) because it is something many of us can relate to. Because it's based off of real life. Hardcore, I liked it.
zhlen This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 29, 2010 at 12:18 pm

im confused.. why does it say chuck it at HER big, stupid...

anyways this was amazinly fantasticly awesome!

Bassoonkelley This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Dec. 30, 2010 at 9:25 pm
The "her" refers to a girl the guy I was crushing on ended up liking. He had started dating someone, and apparently I didn't like that much lol
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