Somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea, 421 BC:
I hate Poseidon. It is because of him we are in such a mess right now. I was sailing my fleet towards Athens to launch a surprise attack on the city, it was beautiful weather, perfect for burning a city to the ground. But all of the sudden, we were caught in the middle of a massive storm and blown to Hermes knows where. The clouds were black, the rain was hard and the wind blowing with ferocity I hadn’t seen in my whole darn life. The waves were the size of mountains crashing into my ship and tossing it around like a toy. This was not normal weather, the sea god was behind it.
“CURSE YOU POSEIDON!!” I screamed gripping on to the prow of the ship. “I HOPE ZEUS GETS HIS LIGHTNING BOLT AND SHOVES IT UP YOUR-” Right then, a giant wave smashed into my face, sending me tumbling across the boat and falling below deck. Dazed I got to my knees and felt something wriggling in my throat. Coughing, I spat a fish out onto the deck. I heard my name being called and looking up, saw Themistocles at the top of the stairs, his usually curled hair now flattened against his head.
“Taimuritus! Are you ok?” he gasped.
“Do I look ok” I said, getting to my feet and making my way upstairs. On the deck, it was near impossible to even walk, the wind and rain pushing us in every direction, as long as it was the opposite of where we were headed. Marcus, a young lad on his first voyage, came up to us.
“Taimuritus, we’ve lost sight of the rest of our fleet.” He said.
“TO TARTARUS WITH THE REST OF THE FLEET” I screamed “We need to keep this one afloat.”
“That’s not going to happen.” Said Themistocles. I slapped my best friend across the face.
“STOP TALKING LIKE THAT YOU IDIOT!!” I barked “IT CREATES BAD MORALE!!”
“No, look!” he said, pointing behind me. I turned and saw the biggest wave I had ever seen. It blocked out sky and filled the horizon, a wall of vicious churning water, and it was coming straight for us.
“Lords of Olympus” gasped Marcus “We’re gonna die, WE’RE GONNA DIIIEEEEE!!!” and he crawled up into a ball and burst into sobs.
“It’s been an honor serving you Taimuritus” said Themistocles, tears streaming down his face (or it was that the rain, I couldn’t tell).
“Likewise” I replied patting his shoulder. As the wave surged closer I made my way to the front of the ship and brandishing my sword screamed in defiance as the wave crashed over the boat and everything went black.
When my eyes opened I was back in my home in Sparta, it was late afternoon and the sunlight was streaming through the window. Seated at the table was an old, wrinkled man with a seriously long beard who I had never seen before. He was nonchalantly sipping wine until he noticed I was there.
“Oh, hello Taimuritus” he said cheerfully.
“Who the heck are you” I replied getting up to my feet.
“I am astonished you didn’t recognize me, why, I am your great-great-great-great-great-great great-great-great great grandfather, Adinodidus.” He said, smiling down at me. Part of me wondered how on earth he got that out of his mouth and the other part questioned his sanity. Totally confused the only response that came to my head was.
“Oh, uhh…ok” Then as I actually started thinking coherently I asked.
“Am I dead?”
At that Adinodidus chuckled “No sonny boy, you aint dead yet, I just decided to pop up in your dream, to pass time you know.” He paused and sipped his wine “While we’re sitting around I might as well tell you our family history.”
“No” I said “No no no no no, I’ve already heard that five thousand times I don’t need-”
“Hush boy” he said and whacked me over the head with a cane “You gots tah respect the family history”. He cleared his throat and I sat back down inwardly groaning.
“You see” he began “A long long time ago your great-great-great-great-great-great great-great-great great grandfather Adinodidus (that’s me) went fishing along the coast of Thebes. He was a great fisher, in fact, if it weren’t for that sneaky Scipio he would’ve won the-”
“Ehm” I said
“Right, back to the story. He had amassed a large amount of fat tasty fish for your great-great-great-great-great-great great-great-great great grandmother to cook for dinner. Then, he saw this ginormous fin in the water. It was a great blue dolphin-thing that he had never seen, and Adinodidus was determined to eat it.” He took a sip of wine his eyes glittering. “He threw his spear at it but he missed and my 13th birthday present fell into the ocean. Seeing that the dolphin-like creature was getting away Adinodidus desperately leaped upon it. They wrestled in the ocean but I was able to get out my hunting knife and thrust it deep into his heart” he said making the thrusting motion with his hand. “When I reached the shore I heard a bang behind me. Turning Adinodidus saw a tall super muscular heavily bearded man with flowing long hair emerge from the ocean. ‘HOW DARE YOU KILL BILLY!!!’ the man boomed. Adinodidus said ‘Who the hell do you think you are, Poseidon?’, and the man said ‘YES I AM POSIEDON’. I tried to regain my composure and said ‘Well look here Mr. Poseidon, all I done was kill this here dolphin to eat for lunch, so I suggest you get yer lousy old bum back ter yer aquarium and leave me alone, capeesh’. For some reason Poseidon took that the wrong way and his face turned all red. He opened and closed his mouth several times, huffing and puffing and waving his trident in the air. ‘WHY YOU INSOLENT MORTAL!!!!’ he screamed ‘THAT WAS BILLY, THE NEPHEW OF THE SECOND COUSIN OF THE GREAT GRANDSON OF THE BROTHER IN-LAW OF MY GRANDSON!!!!’ When I heard that I started giggling, it was so darn funny, but the sea god didn’t like that. He yelled at me some more and then he said ‘I CURSE YOU ADINODIDUS, I CURSE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR DESCENDANTS, the cause of you death will be the ocean AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEND YOU ALL TO HADES’ Then he vanished with a bang and a poof and sure enough, two weeks later I died when my fishing boat turned over and I drowned. Since then all of my descendants had died in similar ways, your grandfather died in the sea battle of Salamis, your father got killed by a shark and your brother was thrown overboard by pirates about three years ago and you too will die from the ocean, the end.” Adinodidus then stood up and drained his glass. “Well I guess it’s time to go, but don’t worry I’ll be seeing you soon.”
“Wait!” I cried “What does that mean.” But my only response was a chuckle from my ancestor and then everything started spinning and I woke up.
When my eyes opened I was on a beach. The wreckage of my ship was strewn across the sand, but I saw no people. They must all be dead I thought as I tried to get to my feet. That didn’t work out too well as I stumbled along the shore and fell multiple times. When I finally regained balance I turned around to see where I was. Ahead of the beach, all I could see was a thick jungle and a mountain peak further on. As I made my way forward I reached for my sword to cut the vegetation, but it was not there, it had fallen from my hand when my ship got wrecked.
“AWWWW NAWW!!” I cried “That was my Granny’s sword, curse you Poseidon!” However, I had to make my way inland, sword or no sword, so I readied myself and plunged into the undergrowth.
I had never been into a jungle before, so I was amazed with what I saw. There was so much green, and trees and animals. I saw around thirty different kinds of birds, each more colorful than the last. As I was taking in my surroundings I didn’t hear the group of men approaching until one of them said
“HEY YOU! Who you are!” I jumped back and turned to see five very dark skinned men. They carried long shields and spears and wore a fur loin cloths. Their hair was different from Greeks,for the some who weren’t bald their hair was sort of fuzzy while the one with the longer hair had like braided locks that resembled a rope like thing. Just as I was, they too were looking at me in a strange way, studying me. They whispered amongst one another pointed at my beard, my skin, my armor.
“My name is Taimuritus, the greatest warrior in all of Sparta!” I boasted, hoping to intimidate them.
“Well Taimuritus” said the tall bald one, who seemed to be their leader “I am Bokha, and these are Sago, Kheyba, Orum and Bumba” he said pointing out to each of the individuals.
“We are from the Yorumbe tribe” said Kheyba, the one with the locks.
“Ok then” I said “It was a pleasure meeting you, but I have to go” and started to walk away.
“Waaaait wait wait wait, who said you are going anywhere Taimuritus” said Sago.
“I did” I curtly replied
“This is our land, and since you are on this land you have to follow what we say, and we say you are coming with us.” Said Bokha threateningly
“Blaah blah blaah blah blaah blah blah” I said making talking motions with my hand “I aint going nowhere with ya’ll people” turning around and beginning to walk away. A second later a spear buried itself in a tree, inches away from my head.
“You are coming with us” said Bumba
“Are you threatening me?” I asked
“Yes, yes we are” said Bokha
“Well then” I said grinning. I then pulled the spear out of the tree and hurled it at them. I was aiming for Bokha’s head, but I missed and hit Sago’s leg. He screamed out in pain and kneeled in the grass clutching his bleeding thigh. Then I charged at the rest. Kheyba swung at me with his spear, but I ducked and hit him with a solid right hook to the face. He took a few paces back and then Bumba came at me, kicking my ribs, then bringing the butt of his spear on my head. I stumbled but then Orum jumped on my back. I grabbed the Yorumben by the neck and smashed him against a tree. Then I was stabbed in the shoulder by Bumba, but Bokha shouted out
“Don’t pierce his flesh! Orishi doesn’t like them spoiled.” As I wondered his meaning I was hit in the face by a shield and fell to the floor. I lashed out with my leg, sweeping Bumba’s feet out from under him. Quickly getting up I connected my left fist with Sago’s jaw which resulted in the later crumpling to the floor. Kheyba twirled his spear and tried to strike me, but I caught it and broke it against his head. Then I kicked him in his guts, making him double over in pain. I turned in a circle, and seeing no one left, made a mad dash towards nowhere. But I never saw Bokha until he stepped out in front of me and punched me in the head. I fell on the ground, groaning. But before I could get up, the rest got to me and tied me up with ropes. Then they picked me up and started to walk eastwards.
“Where are we going?” I asked
“To our tribe” replied Bakho
“For what, show and tell” I quipped.
“Today is the festival of Orishi, the sun-god and we need good items to sacrifice to him.” Said Kheyba.
“What does that have to do with me?” I said. At this they laughed, and then it dawned on me.
“OH HELL NAW!!” I yelled and started moving furiously. They dropped me to the floor and I started to roll away as fast as I could. Getting to my feet I started to hop but Kheyba was there faster and with a quick strike to the head knocked me down. Dazed, I heard Adinodidus hysterically laughing as they picked me back up, then I lost consciousness.
When I regained consciousness, we had already reached the village. It was a cluster of huts in a clearing, surrounded by jungle on all sides. In the center there was a hut larger than the rest and guarded by about ten soldiers, and that is what they were carrying me. It seemed like the festival was already under way, people were dancing to the beat of the drums and kids were running around shrieking excitedly. There was also a large beast with a rope like nose and enormous ears with two teeth jutting out like a boar.
“Holy Hades, what is that?” I wondered out loud.
“It is a Giwa” said Bakho “A very useful and smart animal.” And he put me down and led me inside the hut.
In the hut sat an old man. He was wrinkled and he had many beaded necklaces and furs on him.
“Ahhhhhh, Bakho, my favorite little monkey, what have you brought me today.” He said in a deep gravelly voice.
“This” Bakho replied and put me in front of the old man. “He is Taimuritus and he is the greatest warrior of Sparta” The old man looked at me and inspected me like one would inspect a goat.
“Yesss, yes, he is very good, sacrifice him immediately!” he said
“Yes Shaman” said Bakho as he dragged me outside. As we were leaving the hut, another party came in. They had fruits and stuff, but also a sword. A very familiar sword, my sword.
“HEY!” I screamed “THAT’S MINE!” pointing at the sword as best as I could.
“Well not anymore” chuckled the man carrying it “Its mine now”
“THAT’S MY GRANDMOTHER’S SWORD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” and lunged at them. I knocked down the man holding my sword and quickly cut the ropes binding me with it. I then picked it up, kissed it and chopped of the head of the man who stole it. Before his friends could react I cut them down too. Bokha just stood there stunned, like everyone else. At that moment the Shaman came out with a huge club.
“Alright folks, who’s ready for a sacrifi-” he said before I swung my blade across his torso. The Shaman gurgled some ineligible things and collapsed to the floor.
“Uhhhhhhh, bye” I said before taking off faster than Hermes on steroids.
“GET HIIIMMMMM!!” screamed Bakho and the rest gave chase after me. I burst into the jungle, ducking under branches and hopping over roots. Fast as I was, the Yorumbens were faster and they were more familiar with the landscape. Soon enough I could hear their footfall not so far behind me. Then two spears were flung at me, one glanced of my sword and the other hit a tree close by. I began to swerve in between the trees as more spears flew past me, one even grazing my temple.
“SAMBO!!!” shouted a voice on my right. Turning, I saw a Yorumben leaping towards me spear in hand. I managed to sidestep the spear but he still knocked me to the ground. I got up but he kicked me in the chest, and I fell back against a tree. He charged at me as I swung my sword, and his headless body toppled to the floor. Then one of the Shaman’s guards came up and attacked, twirling his spear in a deadly arc. He lunged at me and I was barely able to parry his blow. We grappled there and then another man leaped at me, knocking us all into the nearby river. The water was rushing furiously and when I finally got my head above the water I saw that it lead into a waterfall. I pulled my head back underwater as we fell a good twenty feet and splashed into the river below. I slowly got up to my feet, spitting water out of my mouth. The two Yorumbens were also getting up when I attacked. I stabbed the first one in the back before he could do anything. The second one was only able to grab his spear before I thrust my blade under his rib cage. Then a spear struck me above my armpit. Looking up I saw a host of Yorumbens hurling spears down at me. Blocking one, then two with my sword I hastily ran out of there.
After thirty or so meters the jungle gave way to open grasslands. I cursed inwardly, now I would be an easy target. I ran around the edges of the jungle looking for a way to get back in. Then a sensational force lifted me off my feet and tossed me a few meters away. Looking up I saw a Giwa being ridden by team Bakho.
“Holy Hades!” I gasped and ran. However I only got a few paces away before I felt a sharp pain on my leg as a spear struck there. I went on one knee and heard Bakho’s laugh.
“There is no escape for you now.” He said
“Correction” I said, smiling “There is no escape for you now”
“Well then come at me you fat little heyena” he spat
“With pleasure you over grown twig” I replied and charged at the beast. I leaped unto its nose and in one bound reached its head. There, I sliced down Sago and Orum in quick succession. Bambo punched me on my nose, causing blood to spurt out of it. I cut his throat and his head flew of the Giwa. Kheyba jumped at me kicking me on my face and sending me sprawling. I barely hung on to the Giwa as it continued its run through the grasslands. Kheyba then looked down at me grinning as he raised his spear, however I grabbed him by the ankle and threw him of the Giwa. Then I got back on it and turned just in time to see Bakho swing at me with a spear, making a horizontal cut across my cheek. He swung again but I raised my sword, slicing the weapon in half. Then I ran my sword through his throat and pushed him off. I urged the Giwa on saying
“Giddyup Giwa, giddyup!” I turned and saw the Yorumbens getting farther and farther.
“HAHAAAAA YOU FILTHY SAVAGES!!! YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME NOW!!” I cheered just as a spear flew past me and hit the Giwa in the leg, tripping the animal and causing me to fly five feet in the air and crash down again. I lay there and groaned for a few seconds, then I remembered the situation and quickly got to my feet again. By this time the main party were just a few steps away from me so I readied my sword and leaped into them.
I knocked three down straight away and then started swinging my sword like a maniac. People started going down left and right and blood sprayed all over me, as I stood there laughing my head off like a psychopath. Then Kheyba stepped in and thrust a spear into my abdomen.
“Oh bullocks” I said looking down at my wound. I thought I would die, but then I remembered Poseidon’s words and began to chuckle.
“Whats so funny?” said Kheyba confused. I continued to laugh as I decapitated him, struck down another Yorumben and bolted off in another direction. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, laughing hysterically as I went. An aardvark walked into my path
“MOVE, UGLY RAT!!” I screamed, and kicked him ten feet in the air. I continued to run until I came to the edge of a cliff, a cliff that fell into the ocean.
“Aw Hades, I shoulda known that something like this was gonner happen, curse Poseidon.” I said. I looked at the Yorumbens closing in and back at the cliff then to my bleeding stomach and back at the Yorumbens again. I let loose a triumphant laugh.
“HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!! YOU’LL NEVER LAY YOUR DIRTY LITTLE HANDS ON ME!!” I cried “HAAAAHAHAHAH GLORY TO SPARTAAAAAA!!!! AND TO MAH GRAN’MAAAAAAA!!!!!!” and with that jumped of the cliff and into the ocean, into my death. And as I was falling I heard Adinodidus laughing, so I laughed along with him.
A Sacrifice Gone Wrong
Somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea, 421 BC: