Innocence | Teen Ink

Innocence

September 19, 2009
By Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

It was cold, sixty degrees below zero, but the boy didn’t thought of it much and looked straight ahead to the vast uniform of white field. He walked just as the man instructed him to do so, never wavered as he pushed himself foot by foot. Snow was piling as it fell down the stiff earth, hindering his way, but still he managed, and all because the man had told him so.

The boy walked through the curvy hairline of buried path, now and then stumbling as rock bumped against his numb feet. The sun was dipping down behind the horizon, producing a mass of orange that singed the sky in its beautiful palette; it was beautiful, the boy thought. But the cold was hurting him now, numbed his cheeks with a speed unknown. He must hurry before he froze. It was his only thought as he took his sloppy gaits. Then stumbled.

He wore an oversized himation, a winter clothing made of hard wool and draped around his body like a Roman toga. He smiled as he remembered how his Mother made it for him, felt the first seep of warmth in his heart.

Tucked safely behind it was his food, continuously being warmed by the slowing heat of his body. But even with the thick clothing, cold penetrated; such was winter death. He had to hurry.

And so the boy went on walking, trusting the words of the man.

When he reached the crest of hill, he looked around? the temple must be here. It must be. But all he saw were drapes of wild snow, rising feet by feet as storm stirred a brew. He was huffing fast now, and the breath that came out were heavy balls of winter breath. But despite his stolen breaths he looked and looked.

Temperature dipped lower, one hundred and seventy-five degrees below zero now . . . but still it went down, continued to do so; his body grew weak from battling the coldness, felt pain spread over as numbness followed it, until he didn’t know whether it was warmth or cold that stung his skin.

Eyes blurred, he went down his knees, looked around for the last time. He found nothing but land of white, and be cursed that man for he had deceived him. He had trusted the words of the man, depended his life on it. And now that very same life was being taken, being pushed into this miserable death.

There wasn’t any temple. Nor any hint that there ever was.

And in his despair the voice had spoken.

He has always known; now you weep. But midnight shall come, and there he shall be burned by the moon. Die there. As you will.

With one last mourn, the boy fell down before he casted his vengeance.


The boy awoke in a mist of light, felt the first pang of pain as he abruptly sat up. Something called, like a siren’s call it was alluring . . . and it lured him. So he stood and went to the origin of call, walked in a dazed state of mind. It called like flower in the midst of wartime. And like the flower the voice had beauty in and on it. He fell upon the voice’s honey-sweet seduction and continued to trudge.

When he reached the place, the call halted. And there, lighted by moonlight, he saw. He saw with his own free eyes the boy that was him. And the death that smiled in his face. A scream that echoed through the silence of dead winter pierced like a cutlass sword, raked along the rawness of his throat, and caused him to flee for safety. But death wasn’t one to be cheated, but a ruler to be accepted, and so it came like a god in lightning speed, halted before the boy and finally . . . finally ended it all.


The author's comments:
This is a part of the novel I'm working on. And hah. I hope you like it. That's all.

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This article has 17 comments.


LeCoxx BRONZE said...
on Oct. 2 2011 at 8:02 am
LeCoxx BRONZE, Gold Coast, Other
1 article 1 photo 8 comments
I've just reading it now. Sounds really good. But being the Grammar Nazi that I am, I'm compelled to say that "thought in the first sentence should be "think". Cheers :)

on Oct. 5 2010 at 10:02 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Liked the image of the snowy field in the beginning. Actually, the imagery throughout was very good, congrats. :) I also liked the mystery and kind of magical realism of this story, the way it was rather mystical and not all revealed. I hate it when people complain that authors don't spell out what's going on for them...

 

but um, "casted his vengeance"? Huh? Didn't know you could do that. How does one cast a vengeance? What is a vengeance? Also, while I really liked the beginning, I thought it got progressively more cliche towards the end. Finally, try to use less passive voice.

 

Would you mind reading/rating/commenting on "Ilya's Tale, Part 1" and giving feedback? Thank you!


on May. 14 2010 at 4:16 pm
KelleySchorn SILVER, Fort Worth, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whatever you are be a good one-some president i dont remember which
procrastinaters unite!...tomorrow!!-matt
i'm F-U-L-LLLLL i think i can spellllll-allie =]

wow even though it was confusing because i dont know the whole story it was very good and proffessional-sounding

on Apr. 22 2010 at 12:31 pm
Karma_Crow PLATINUM, Savannah, Georgia
48 articles 1 photo 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Behold thy sorrow of the tears that streak down our cheek and made upon of what he is. Behold our sorrow that we hold within us. Show ye thee of the how we feel of each of us."- Lestat

Wonderful detailed and I only hope and wish that I could read more. Keep up your work.

 

 

I ask if it is a small favor that someone views my work. Please. i could like to get noticed. Thank you.


on Mar. 16 2010 at 7:43 pm
Green8a8 SILVER, NY, New York
8 articles 1 photo 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
im the author of my life, unfortunately im writing in pen therefore i can't erase nothing about it.-by some crazy friend of mine

this is pretty awesome

its intense

massizme said...
on Dec. 9 2009 at 7:35 pm
massizme, Miami, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm not saying everything is survivable, just that everything but the last thing is."
Quentin Jacobsen, Paper Towns by John Green

dude, that was amazing. there was so much detail. you have the ability to make words flow.

evie428 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 19 2009 at 7:37 pm
evie428 BRONZE, Ontario, Other
4 articles 1 photo 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing a novel is not merely going on a shopping expedition across the border to an unreal land: it is hours and years spent in the factories, the streets, the cathedrals of the imagination."

Wow. . . really intense! I like!

on Oct. 19 2009 at 3:32 pm
smalltownwrite210, Apex, North Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 19 comments
I love the ending. And it was really intense. Niceeee.

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Oct. 9 2009 at 12:27 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
thank you. :)

tifferbop said...
on Oct. 8 2009 at 6:42 pm
Your story was beautiful. your a great writer!!!!

dandanDERP said...
on Oct. 3 2009 at 12:50 am
The descriptions flow really well. Keep up the good work. (8

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Sep. 29 2009 at 5:16 am
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
but the boy didn’t thought of it much = but the boy didn't THINK of it much

just caught a grammatical error. sorry bout that

on Sep. 28 2009 at 8:33 pm
lol i'm glad! :D

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Sep. 28 2009 at 6:00 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
thanks. and the word "blithe" totally made my day. lol

on Sep. 28 2009 at 5:53 pm
as i said, quite visual. you're good. the scenes play with blithe in my mind.

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Sep. 26 2009 at 6:34 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
Thank you. And yeah, I'll work on your comment.

amyxu said...
on Sep. 26 2009 at 6:23 pm
This is exceptional writing all-around. One suggestion: instead of saying "it [the call] was alluring . . . and it lured him" you could imply this. Use creative vocabulary that describes the smoothness of the call or the boy's evoked feelings. This would draw the reader in and tempt the reader as well as the boy. In a nutshell, keep in mind the "show don't tell" mantra. But other than that, I thought this was a first-class piece, whether it stands alone or in a novel.


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