FORSAKEN

September 19, 2009
By Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Plastered against my palm was the damp, rough-edged wall when I walked along the guided path of darkness. There wasn’t the faintest hint of light, or the slightest wheeze of outside air. There was just the narrow pathway that went straight, down, toward . . . something. I felt something. A squeeze in my heart, and a sudden fist of panic that clenched in my stomach. It was different. A longing; a kind of sadness that came out from nowhere, held me. Stayed there.

I told myself to stop. Even ordered myself. But it was useless against the primal urge to move forward, just forward . . . and find that something. Curiosity, I thought, just a healthy dose of curiosity. But I knew it was much more, much greater; it was knowledge. Somehow I had a feeling of this familiarity, of such knowing, like I perfectly knew what lay ahead the path. Just a hunch of feeling.

But I’d forgotten. Buried it into deep oblivion that somehow managed to prick at some dormant part of my brain. And as a result, always gave me that nagging feeling that I had forgotten something so important, so vital and so much a part of me.

But what was it?

No matter how much I searched my memories there was nothing to find. But I knew. Oh I knew. There was something.

I just had to find it.

So I trudged down the darkened pathway, moving as though a thief in quiet night, panther-like. Nervous and clammy. A sharp edge in the wall cut the soft flesh of my palm, a small slash, and then there was the feeling of warm, thick liquid, flowed thinly and dropped to the ground. I heard the watery thud of it. Then all abruptly changed.

Suddenly the blackness was replaced by a scarlet vision, clouding my eyes as though a translucent haze. And my head, that sickening emptiness that was taking over crept like a crawling fog, muddling my mind. Until there was nothing. Nothing at all.

But I saw fire lit the torches that lined the walls, hanging there and guiding me as I took drunken steps.

I was succumbing. Falling.

But I had to reach the end. Needed to see for myself whatever lay ahead.

Something was pulling me from inside, forcing me to be caged in that deep, dark lonely corner.

Watch. Just watch. I’ll take care of everything. The voice was deep, cold and deadly. And I heard something in his tone; desire, maybe? Like it wanted something. Needed something.

Go there inside. I’ll take care of you.

But I was tired to the bones, and my legs felt like jelly against the sturdy ground that I walked upon. My eyes were closing, slowly, slowly. Then I saw the light.

And in the light, showered by shimmering brilliance were a pool of redness and a scatter of death stench. I walked closer despite the heaviness I felt. Walked closer. And closer. Closer, still . . .

Then I saw.

And I knew she was dead.

Did you kill her?

The author's comments:
This is a prologue of a novel I'm working on.

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This article has 23 comments.


sonJaNae said...
on Nov. 16 2011 at 6:52 pm
sonJaNae, Fort Wainwright, Alaska
0 articles 0 photos 68 comments

Favorite Quote:
"No one can change a person, but someone can be a person's reason to change" -Spongebob Squarepants

Wow! I loved it!! Could you guys check out some of my articles? Ratings and comments are greatly appreciated, and I will return the favor! :)

on Aug. 20 2011 at 9:51 pm
emilybwrites SILVER, Villa Hills, Kentucky
5 articles 0 photos 112 comments

Favorite Quote:
last night i lay in bed, looking up at the stars and i thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

i really liked this! nicely done. please chceck out my poem "Forgotten Domain" and comment/rate :)

on Sep. 24 2010 at 9:39 pm
Plush_Baneling BRONZE, Denver, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I will devour the world, after that the universe, and when there is nothing but me, I will devour myself"
ME!

It could mean that something is whatching him

on Jul. 20 2010 at 6:02 pm
Kilikilakia2012 GOLD, Gresham, Oregon
12 articles 1 photo 63 comments

Favorite Quote:
Do or do not, there is no try. ~Yoda~http://teenink.com/mystuff.php

I really liked that. I know I like people to tell me what they think I should change so I'm going to say, It could use a little bit more description on what is happening. I think you were trying to make it a little "mysterious" like but I think it might be a little too much. Other than that, I loved it!

on May. 30 2010 at 2:39 pm
SecretSelf14 BRONZE, Bridgeport, Connecticut
2 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
My favorite personal quote is, I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

- wow this was very very good i wish my writing was As powerful as yours :]

 


JeanGrey GOLD said...
on Mar. 9 2010 at 2:17 pm
JeanGrey GOLD, Mason City, Iowa
10 articles 0 photos 258 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."-Oscar Wilde

"or the slightest wheeze of outside air." Perhaps you meant breeze? Other than that amazing!

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Dec. 13 2009 at 10:48 am
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
i didn't put the quotation marks there because it was the voice speaking to his mind. (it was italicized when i turned this in but teenink doesn't do italicization apparently). Thanks tho!

on Dec. 12 2009 at 11:19 pm
CanYouSeeTheCrazy PLATINUM, Cle Elum, Washington
21 articles 0 photos 125 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I know why everyone in this world is so desperate to find love."
"Oh yeah? Why then?"
"Because, it's the closest thing we have to magic."

man, you don't have any mistakes! you know how to put together a good story, end it with a cliffhanger, and practically have the readers jumping off the cliff to find the rest of the writing! good job. you'll go places if you keep this up.

on Dec. 12 2009 at 11:13 am
MercyChristine GOLD, Oak Grove, Minnesota
10 articles 7 photos 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
oh shnykeis!

there should be quotations marks around where the voice speaks. Other than that, what mistakes? It's amazing! I can't wait to read the whole thing!

massizme said...
on Dec. 9 2009 at 7:41 pm
massizme, Miami, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm not saying everything is survivable, just that everything but the last thing is."
Quentin Jacobsen, Paper Towns by John Green

I've said it before, ill say it again. its amazing. it flows. you know how to put the words together so they hold hands and sing a chorus song. i wish i had that ability.

on Nov. 20 2009 at 9:08 pm
Speedy88 BRONZE, Ridgefeild, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a bannana." -Groucho Marx

Wow.. I wish I could write like you. :) I'm a little to fast. This was well paced, and very... er, I don't know exactly what word I am looking for, but anywho, it was awesome... Oooh. Gave me shivers up my spine. :D What happened to girl is my question. ^^ Hope to here a lot more from ya.... God's given you a good gift of writing. Use it wsiely. ;)

on Oct. 30 2009 at 9:59 pm
reginalove SILVER, Lorain, Ohio
7 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal."

I love your writing style! It's so mature! you have raw talent for writnig. As a writer also, I like to use shorter sentences, fragments really to build suspense. I can't point out mistakes because it's your writning and your style is awesome! Keep up!

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Oct. 14 2009 at 12:19 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
Haha thank you. But can u point out the mistakes?

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Oct. 14 2009 at 12:17 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
Haha thank you. but can u point out the mistakes?

StinelliT said...
on Oct. 13 2009 at 6:12 pm
I like how you asked some rethorical questions and used similies throughout your paper. The similies gave me a vivid picture in my head what you were experiencing. When you said "So I trudged down the darkened pathway, moving as though a thief in a quiet night, pathner-like" I knew what point you were trying to make and what you were experiencing and another great similie I liked was "I was tired to the bone, and my legfelt like jelly against the sturdy ground that I walked upon." Over all, I thought that your writing was pretty good, a few mistakes here and there but I like the idea and where you went with it.

dandanDERP said...
on Oct. 3 2009 at 12:47 am
Very intense atmosphere and I really like the pacing.

Looking forward to more.

tor10jax GOLD said...
on Sep. 26 2009 at 7:47 pm
tor10jax GOLD, Livingston, New Jersey
10 articles 0 photos 144 comments
It's too intense for me, too. I really REALLY want to know what happens next so you did a really good job leaving the reader wanting more. I'd just be worried that too much tension might scare the reader away. (that might just be me).

Keep writing!

iwantcoconow said...
on Sep. 26 2009 at 1:47 pm
iwantcoconow, Bronx,ny, New York
0 articles 0 photos 81 comments
too inteinse for me

Anj16 GOLD said...
on Sep. 25 2009 at 4:29 pm
Anj16 GOLD, Eagan, Minnesota
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments
haha that's okay. lol. and yeah that's the prologue of the novel i'm working on so lol there's more to it as the book goes. I'm actually done, it just needs editing. A LOT OF EDITING. or maybe REVISION of the early chaps is more apt.

RobEJ BRONZE said...
on Sep. 25 2009 at 4:25 pm
RobEJ BRONZE, Louisville, Kentucky
3 articles 0 photos 13 comments
I meant more of the story. The short and incomplete sentences build tension. Well-crafted writing, it simply needs a few tweaks. Sorry for the misunderstanding


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