i valid

May 4, 2018
By Anonymous

Why am I not as good
Is it the way I look, the way I think
Why am I not allowed to take days off from school when i'm stressed
Why was I yelled at for a bad grade or missing assignment

My sister gets off the hook just by acting stressed
But when I broke down into tears I was still yelled at to get downstairs to finish my math
Maybe it's because she gets better grades
Or that she was already smart to begin with

She's not broken though I can see her slowly breaking under stress
It's alway what I don't do, never the things I have done
I feel like the only time you ever really cared for me was the times i tried to take my own life
“I'm sorry please say something please say something”

Sometimes you would ask me what I wanted to hear to feel better
And whenever you noticed my fallings you seemed to close up
I can never tell if your sad or worried or disappointed
You just look at me and ask me how I wanted to hear you respond

It could be worse
You've always been a good mother even if you weren't the best
I never complained about these thing so at least i have that on me

Did you know you were the first person I ever remember insulting me
You called me fat
“Look at her,” you turn to dad and say “she's fat, shes fat”
I walked away my tiny brain numb with something other then shock
Just forget about it if it upsets you my toddler logic thought
Forget, forget
I did not forget
How could I, something that hurt me so much
From then on I sucked in my stomach in preschool

You always yelled at me
In public I wanted to cry or yell back
But I hated making a scene so I balled my fist
As anger took over my brain
Causing tears to well up in my eyes

Each time I suck slower into depression
Each time I got a bad grade I was reminded how I was broken

You laughed and laughed
As you knew it upset me
you taught me that trick
To laugh and laugh and never stop
That wretched laugh until
The joke im laughing at...
Hates me

Remember when you took me out of preschool to go to wendy's
I was so happy just to be with you
So happy and i barely remember
Just us

When did you become a stranger
We used to fight everyday back in middle school
Now I talk to you
We hold conversations, we joke, and I can enjoy being around you
Now that i'm older our relationship evolved from power struggle to trust as you no longer can tell me to go to me room
But why do you sometimes still feel the need to tell me i'm not good enough
Why am I the problem child
Why am I
God im saying the word I so damn much

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