When I think about her, I feel a sudden wave of incompletion and uncomfort overcome me. I start to think of who I could be instead of who I already am. I think about what characteristics I lack. I look at other girls and observe what traits they carry. They are all blessed with talents, gifts and natural beauty. All of these girls have a family who cares for them and friends who would be morning if they had just up and left. But there is one specific girl who I can't stop thinking about. She has long hair with defined curls. She has a beautiful smile with dimples on both sides of her clear, blemish free, smooth cheeks. Her smile shows her purity and anticipation for her future. She is calm and has patience. She has no temper either. Her personality is like something you would take out of book. She is proud of how she looks. She isn't ashamed of her body, nor her face or anything. She loves herself. She is confident. Although she in not in this classroom, not this school or this town. Nor does she live near me or any of my friends. She is someone I will always think about even though i have never met anyone even resembling her beauty and perfection.
She does not exist.
She’s just everything i want, and everything i desire to have, thinking maybe this will make everything a little more tolerable.
She is just whom i wish to be, all the traits im dying to have. The life i dream about.
When I think about her, i feel nothing but envy, jealousy and dread.
The realization that I am the complete opposite of her when I come back to reality, brings nothing but pure discomfort. After I realize who I am, and the life I have, I detach from the world and fantasize on whom i want to be. But I always come back to this girl, who, doesn't even exist. So why do I want to be her so badly? Why do I envy her so much? Why can’t I have everything she has? People ask if Im ok. I guess i wasn't paying attention in class, I was too focused on myself. I guess that makes me selfish too. I return to the same cycle of school, homework, and sleep. Doing the same thing everyday. Nothing changes. Everything is the same as yesterday. Everything is just slightly more dreadful than yesterday. Tomorrow will be slightly more dreadful than today. Maybe that's whom this girl is. She is my detachment from everything. She is the break i need to take a breath of fresh air so I can continue with my life just like everyone else does. But even when I think about her, for some reason I still feel like im holding my breath. I need to exhale but I can't. Everything’s fine. I will still be at school tomorrow, doing my work, showing teachers attitude who dont deserve it. I'll be back to being myself. Even though, I hate being that person. This girl. I am the opposite of who I want to be. I write this down, because I feel the world becoming more blurry as I type every letter. Hearing the clicking on my keyboard, spelling out every word, feeling the slight pain in my wrist from writing so fast. Even if this means nothing at all, it is taking away everything for a short amount of time. All the effort I put into my writing and work never pays off. I feel as if everyone around me is a bright colorful painting, and i am a blank page, that not even a friend, parent, or therapist would dare to try to color in. Everyone has stories, it's just when i dare to speak a sentence of my collection of books, essays and poems about my story, everyone puts it back on the shelf. Or never even thinks about reading it. To the people who never bothered to read my story, I am nothing but meaningless words in a book with no cover.