For I am the
salt of the earth,
pure as the sky,
free as the ocean,
sweet as honey,
and
rage of the fire,
from the universe I have come
so to the universal
I shall return.

Raised off of
kindness
and strength,
from being taught
that no one should feel alone
but never be scared
to say no.

I’ve always disliked my name
unless my father said it,
he’d project it
as if there was a consistency to it
as if it was sticky and sweet,
in those moments
it was my favorite word.

When being an only child,
it’s not all just a game.
You have responsibilities
just as everyone else,
you are treated older than your age,
more intelligent than your brain capacity,
and
wiser than your words can carry you.

Having other children
tell you from a young age,
you’re spoiled.
can hurt your undeveloped,
self-esteem.

So my mother would tell me,
you’re not spoiled,
because YOU- unlike them
respect people.
and
that would get me through
my days.
-now I realize being respectful should come easy to you, like second nature.

I bought a pair
of white shoes.
i wore them to school
and the kids kicked dirt
all over them
but that’s okay,
because the next day
they all were wearing
those white shoes too.

There is beauty
and pain
in being kind
people respect it
and adore the way
you wear your
trust and heart
upon your sleeve.

Then there’s people
who mistaken it
for your weakness
and take it for granted.
The problem here is,
there are too many
people
of the second type.

I despise the word
‘bullied’
so when my parents
would ask me,
if those girls outside
were bullying me
I’d just cringe at the use of the word,
like I’m some form of
helpless creature,
being poked at,
So i’d shake my head no
and look the opposite way until I got home.

One of the most
influential forces in a child's life,
is a teacher who changes theirs.
and this world
has been blessed
with too few of
those.

Finally,
after five years
of constant teasing,
laughing,
hair-pulling,
and throwing words,
everyone hits a wall
and I guess
I just hit mine.
first time in the principal’s office.

I promise my parents,
that once I finished elementary school
I would go
wherever they wanted to send me.
so the year finished up
and I prepared for the year
that would change my life.

Showing up to a school,
where you know
no one,
can start something in you
that was never there
before.
-welcome to anxiety and depression

Anxiety and depression
are a dynamic duo,
where you worry constantly
but also
not at all,
the fear of not getting up in the morning
runs through your head
alas,
having no motivation to get up
is there too.
it is like having a sprinter
and a walker,
in your head all day.
constantly staying on edge,
to see who wins
that round.

The first day,
everyone was kind,
asked lots of questions,
didn’t mind my antics,
and I finally felt
I truly belonged.
Going to football games,
taking pictures at dances,
and all the
romanticized details of
middle school fun,
were cut short
all too sudden
and
all too abrupt.

The kids now
looked at you
with a different hunger in their
eyes
and different pain
on their lips
with reasons I may
never understand
or care to

Bombarded
with messages
of words
so foul
that hyenas
would shutter in fear-
They shut down your emotions
and you entirely.

Being left by
anyone
and alone is
a frightening scene
and I wouldn't wish it
upon my worst
enemy.

Shutting yourself
down
and off to others
makes it hard to even
get up in the mornings.

I came to my parents
tears down my cheeks
and blood on wrists
begging to leave
and they said
if I want to leave
they will send me back
so it was decided
I would return to the place grew up.
that wasn't the type of leave I wanted.

So I came back
nervous of the outcome
but I remembered
they are my family
and they always will welcome me
with open arms-

Finally
where I belong
with strangers
and family
This human conglomerate is my home.

She seemed nice,
my mother said
as we walked down the steps.
I mean she kind of has to be
thats what shes paid for.
visiting the therapist for the first time

She told me,
to start doing breathing exercises
whenever I felt
an attack
you breathe in for 4 seconds,
hold it for 7,
and let it out for 8,
when I held my breath
it was almost like I was
underwater,
drowning,
and that’s how I felt,
most days- sunk.

I started going out again,
to track meets,
parties,
to family events,
even just outside my room
and the days started to be
a little brighter, lighter...

May 22,
was the date
of the worst anxiety attack
I have ever had to experience
myself having.

People still tell me
even today
that they are scared of me
because of the things I did
that day
and I shut down when they say that
because they don’t understand
the fear still lives within in me

Not liking what you see
in the mirror
is okay,
changing what you see is okay too
but what wasn’t okay
was how I changed it.

Leaning over a scale,
and eating in front of a mirror
like it is your shrine
is not an ideal way to spend your summer.

That wasn't the
calm
before the storm
for I am
the storm.

Getting okay again
was a struggle,
just like navigating a ship
on an endless ocean.

Four months.
Four months I had
gone attack free.
and that’s one of my proudest
accomplishments!

The movie theater
was a getaway-
watching movies with the people
you love most
was something,
for any generation to love.

Feeling something
touch your knee,
then crawl across your upper leg,
almost like a spider
your body stiffens
and you stay still
afraid of what
is happening.

You know how
in nightmares,
when you’re about to die
you just shut your eyes
already knowing the outcome
you just don’t want
to see it happen?
It felt just like that
except this time you don't get the chance to wake up.

I blamed myself
for everything
that happened.
Anxiety attacks every morning
fearing someone will see the bruises,
getting put back on
depression medication
because your parents
don’t know what’s been up with you lately-
it gets hard
having something worth getting up
in the morning for.

One night
I continued my routine,
of bathing in
honey and roses,

and trying to become clean
until in that moment
I came to the realization
it was not my fault,
and I was no longer dirty.

You don't need
to trust everyone around you
or anyone for that matter
but-
you do have to trust yourself
because without you
you are and  have
nothing.

People began
to hear the rumors,
and automatically,
I was fearful
of the looks they’d give me
and the questions they’d ask
for some of the answers
I didn’t even have
myself.

I walked in
with eyes following me
locked on my back,
seeing which way i go,
if I flinch when walking by
the clusters of children
in the center of the hall.

My hand started to twitch,
my breath caught in my chest
knowing what was happening.

No
I thought.
You are in charge
of your own body.
If you say no to something happening,
it does not have to happen.
You are in control,
not them.

Unclenching my hand
and opening my eyes
I walked with my head held high,
down that hallway.

Eyes locked on me,
like they had discovered the flames
attached to my back,
sadly they didn’t realize
I was the fire all
along.

Healing is not
a linear
process.

You don’t automatically
fall in love with yourself
and find beauty in everything,
you still some days
wake up and wish you didn’t
and want to change
everything about you.
but hopefully they are fewer..

You can not
pray for honey,
but then work
only for
the pollen.

Letting go of those
who hurt you
is harder than
the actual pain
you felt.

For I am the
salt of the earth,
strength of the fire,
smoothness of the water,
and essential as the air,
from the universe I have been
formed,
so I shall form the universe
in return.