Because I'm Thinking of You

February 22, 2018


-9:39 am

I want to sink into my mattress.


I can feel the overwhelming sadness pushing me down from my chest, when my eyes open up slightly as the morning light shines through my blinds you’re the one that I think of.

You left me restless last night, you’re the bags under my eyes that you seem to over pack every time as the night hours arrive, you leave my eyes red because you get me the most high that I’ve been in my life, you leave me to find hope in places I’m unaware of, you don’t realize that you’re all that I think of, especially when I get up and I pour the coffee when I wake up, use the glasses in my cabinet, the ones that I drink of, because you, you were the caffeine that got me through the days that were the hardest and let me just say that you were the water that became a part of me and ran through the blood in my veins, you drive me so insane you leave me in a strait jacket for days. 

How do you feel when you look at that ring and realize that because of you, your name wont pop up when my telephone rings, I hate that you make me write poetry because even as my sadness rings you won’t hear a thing, when I said I loved you did you hear a thing ?

I explicitly remember you saying you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you the did the same thing you said wouldn’t be, you keep telling me you could do nothing because you’d be continuously forcing yourself to love me, you said your heart wanted one thing but your mind wouldn’t let it be.

But please explain to me, was that poison on your lips as it pressed against my skin, were your eyes a different color like your false love within, you so easily reached into my chest and ripped my heart out not thinking about the beating as you were killing the feeling in my oh so loving and caring body, you’re lessening my motivating thinking to actually trust anybody when they say that they love me and they’ll never leave me.

Because of you I hate my middle name.

You’d say it and now it’s replaying like a broken record or a tape and I hate your voice as it says my name, please stop saying my name you never loved it anyways.

You killed the butterflies in my stomach with the pesticide of your deceiving lies, because you didn’t mind breaking my heart anyways.

Saying I miss you would be an understatement, maybe I got my hopes up for nothing, because people don’t change regardless of what you think or say.

She forced herself to love me and I could see it as she stopped looking at me the way that she used to, she stopped holding onto me the way that she used to, she stopped appreciating me the way that she used to

She stopped and that’s what I was used to.

She was once used too, but she did the same thing and she didn’t have a clue

I want to sink into my mattress, just because in thinking of you.

-10:08 am 

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