Hatred Towards Myself

February 10, 2018
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YES I’m aggravated, agitated, irritated and annoyed all at the same time and don’t ask me why, YES I’m pissed, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired NO I’m not okay I got asked that about 100 times today, I wear all black because every day is my funeral, as so it seems it feels that way within I mentally commit all the sins and think about things I know I should never

No matter how hard I try how much I try to empathize, sympathize literally, look into my eyes

I’m broken inside, I’ve become so good, so prone, at hiding my emotions, that I often hide them from myself
Never knowing what I fully feel, lying to myself to sympathize the pain being passive aggressive with myself is the worst thing

But it’s later emphasized, by the demon inside, my mind being the worst critic alive

Burying me further and further unintentionally forcing me to spiral into these episodes of anxiety, and depression to where I debate “do I want to go to school today’’ and see everyone’s face smiling but knowing they’re judging me inside causing me to eat in the bathroom again? Wait god no, I have to go I have to try or I’ll be even more behind, and I have no control over these sporadic episodes or no idea of what it can be, and PLEASE stop asking me what causes these I have never been more exhausted of lying and saying I’m just tired when, the monsters from under my bed were out to get me and no one heard me screaming
I lie to myself, shrug it off… with everything else your just being dramatic caylah the world isn’t crumbling at your feet like yes, I know there’s people out there worse than me, but it feels as if everyone is out to get me I know this sounds like I’m effed up in the head

But listen very closely, having anxiety and depression it’s like being scared and tired at the same time sometimes I don’t say how I feel not because I don’t want to but because I don’t effing know how, anxiety is like that one cousin you didn’t invite to Thanksgiving but somehow manages to out say their welcome make themselves at home and your conscience ends up becoming their forever home

I fear getting close to people and letting my guard down because I am terrified of someone walking out of my life no matter how close we were,

I want to be alone, but I am terrified of ended up lonely, I know Disney lied but let me pretend that’s all I do anyway, lying and saying I’m okay, gets harder to say every damn day, I am terrified of other things than speaking in front of the class, how is my future decided on ACT and SAT scores when it takes me more than five minutes to check all my races on those dumb forms, test taking makes me want to give up and reconsider everything I’ve been doing with my life then I  sit and question is A, B or C exactly right
I’m quite not necessarily by choice but because it’s my defense mechanism,

I unintentionally shut down and distance myself then if feels like EVERYONE hates me like I’m losing everyone which leads to me breaking down but still not making one sound, I better not let anyone see me breakdown and then the consoler isn’t any help, no I’m not okay I don’t want to sit here and just stare at your face how do you even get paid you’re not making my problems go away

I will let the tears silently roll down my face in class while my throats burns from the tide of tears being forced to be held back by the flood gates, messing up the eyeliner that took my entire morning to do in hopes I would feel beautiful, but my efforts resulted in making me uglier than before never again will I listen to seventeen magazine and the Miss America beauty queen who suggests to take time for yourself and you’ll have a good day screw that bs it just made me late

I care way more than I ever should especially too much for people who aren’t deserving of how big my heart is,

it’s like I feel most times paralyzed by the fear of never being good enough, not for anyone not even myself, the mask I put on terrifies me when I look in the mirror, when I catch it staring back at me
this hatred has existed long before my teenage years but back then I was so naïve and unaware, that my demons would not only drown me, but then learn how to swim, and no one wins this race and I promise it’s not just a phase I tell myself maybe if I pretend it’s not there then, it’ll go away but I think it’s safe to say it’ll never be that way because that unwanted cousin is going to stay

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