I found something out today.
I miss myself.
Hahahahaha, no……. not that me.
Not the me that hates myself
Not the me that screams at myself
Not the me that starves myself
Not the me that stares at myself
Not the me that scratches myself
Not the me that lost herself
I know this may sound violent, but
Don’t look at me like that
With that look of surprise and that look of shame;
I know I’m a mess but
A critical eye won’t change all that.
This is why I keep it inside.
No one to judge and no one to stare.
No one… except myself.
I keep it inside
Yes, I keep it all the time.
I keep it in my mind
Where no one can see
Sometimes I’ll open the doors to my messed up head.
And when I do, I’ll say
“Hello there, welcome to my head…
This year we have a treat for you
A very special treat.
Look aside the crushes and lusts,
Come see the crown jewel of this collection.
Come see ED, the monster of lies,
Yes, here he lies
At the center of my mind.
ED here, he is, how to put it…
The control center of my mind.”
Lots of OOOs and Awwww’s follow after that.
I often cringe and look away
As my mind is laid bare.
But the tour guide isn’t finished yet, he says
“Follow me everyone
To this corner over here.
You see the light filtering through?
Yes, it’s quite bright compared to ED over there.
This light is a living thing
It’s made up of 2 different things.
It’s God and recovery.
You see, this girl is sick.
That monster over there, yes, ED over there
Has infected her head.
But she doesn’t like that too much
So this light is breaking ED off.
Cause ED is entangled, so he needs to be separated;
This light is doing just that.”
This light was the center of my mind,
Once Upon a Time.
But the villain in my story won.
At least for now,
As I’m winning back the crown
Well I’m not, but God is.
So here God.
Take this darkness
Infecting my head.
Take it right now
I’m sick of it.
It’s lonely and exhausting
With ED in my head.
But light beats the dark
Every. Single. Time.
So win this battle,
With me, please.
Because I can’t do it on my own
So win it for me.
For I miss the me I was.
The me that loved herself
The me that laughed at herself
The me that fed herself
The me that glances at herself
The me that grooms herself
The me that found herself
The me that found you
So take ED out;
Yes, kick him out.
For I don’t have enough room in my head for you and him;
So kick him out.
Yes, kick ED out now,
For it’s about time recovery begins.