A Lack of Warmth

November 1, 2017
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I stopped responding to your messages on the 12th.
you texted me on the 15th; we had never not talked to each other for that long without a warning:

"if you need time off you can just tell me it's a lot worse if you don't"

"Am I overreacting"

"hh please clarify"
I told you I needed to "chill out by myself for a while," because "this whole situation is giving me too much stress"
I told myself I was going to work on my self-confidence
I told myself I didn't need you
I explained the situation I had alluded to, you asked me if I still loved you (yes, yes, always yes) and I never sent anything back
you must have taken that as a no
I would have
still trick-or-treating, even at your age, you and the usual group showed up tonight.
as far as I know?
not so much as a glance from those gorgeous eyes
those eyes,
the brilliant blue beauties you used to catch me staring into for far too long
...
it's funny how I told you countless times that I would find a way to hurt you and you refused to believe me
maybe you did believe me
and you decided I was worth it
maybe you're okay and not talking is okay and losing touch with your first best friend is okay
but I think I know you better than that
you once told me that if I wasn't in your life you might be alive, but you wouldn't make it
that if I walked out of your life everything would stop
that you would run far, far away and never come back
we typed the words 'I love you' so often we forgot the power they possessed;
forgot that speaking words aloud is so different from reading from a screen.
I miss that night we watched the least memorable movie we could find and I just squeries your hand all night because it was the first time in too long that I had felt safe
I miss last winter when everything was so not okay inside my head but you were so incredibly good to me that the first thing I remember when I think of that year is you
I miss every winter we shared together
I miss broken snowmen and sledding down 7th and hot cocoa and making popcorn instead of cookies because you never knew how to bake
I don't know how to tell you how much you've changed my life
how much I want you to keep being a part of it
if you won't let me try
I just want my best friend back





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