Can you imagine what it feels like to have a mother who doesn't love you? It stops feeling like a tragedy and begins to feel like a lifestyle; your daily routine being just like everyone else's with a few consistent differences. Wake up, brush your teeth, and dear mom expresses how she resents your existence. She yells for you to shut up at five a.m when you've really done nothing more than breathe, but to her that is a far worse crime than anything someone else has committed. Go to school then come home and pull out your homework and she decides now would be the best time to remind you how much of a loser you are to her. By eight o'clock, you're ready for bed, and while most kids get an I love you, she makes sure to shout a loud f*** you your way. You get under the covers and make sure the door is jammed shut in hopes it would keep out the words and the monsters. You toss and turn all night, a victim of an overactive mind. You pray to a God that you never believed in in hopes he could send you love, a concept you've never experienced. And right before bed, between your last steps from conscious to unconscious when she makes sure to remind you that she is all you have, that no one else wants you, with a final welting smack to the face that you learned to cover, you wonder if love is a concept you could ever learn or if you're doomed to be hollow for the rest of your life.
The Love of a Mother
October 19, 2017