You think someone’s going to tie your shoes for you the rest of your life? No, I answer in my head, forty five years later, tying my shoe, hands trembling with his memory. You would think that after all this time I would be able to decipher his cryptic messages. All the, “I love you son”s with burden in his voice, completely taking away from what he previously said. I don’t understand how someone can use simple words to control someone else’s brain, and make you shake at the thought of their voice. I am stuck between the feeling of loving my father for raising me and putting a roof over my head, or the feeling of hatred towards him for all the times he broke me down and took away all my sense of strength. This spot where I currently am, the inability to decide, is the darkest depth of hell I can imagine.
October 11, 2017