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By , Louisville, CO

I know I’m not hungry
In fact that’s the only thing I know for certain
Every bone
Every cell
Every fiber of my body begs me to stop
But I won’t
Its out of my control

I start to list everything I’ve eaten in the day
Most of which was downed in the last twenty minutes
But I can’t
The guilt is too much
The self loathing it brings is too much

So I eat the pain away

What’s wrong with you?
I think
How could you do this?
Are you insane?
You were so good all day and you just had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?
Normal people don’t do this.

Cereal
Another bowl of cereal
Cold garlic bread and leftover pasta
Eaten by hand straight from the container
Peanut butter
Spoonful after spoonful until my mouth is stuck shut
Seltzer water to wash it down
Cherries
An apple
I lose track of everything I’ve stuffed in my face
My stomach is stretched tight as a drum
Straining against the button of my jeans
I eat so fast that swallowing is painful
After a while, it almost feels good

I open the freezer and find a bag of fun size snickers bars
And finally I pause
My hand halfway to the bag
I stand perfectly still for a moment
Is this honestly a good idea? I think
You really should stop
You know you’ve way overdone it this time
Just walk away

I stand there with the cold freezer air
Rushing over my hand
I start planning my morning workout in my head
How many miles does it take
To run the guilt away?

My stomach churns
My throat burns
I feel totally utterly sick
Of myself

I’m so close to closing the door
So close to backing out of the kitchen
To escaping from this spiral i'm trapped in

But then a thought comes flying into my brain
Unexpected and uninvited
You’ve already ruined everything. Might as well finish the job, right?

I tear open the first snickers wrapper






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