A Victim Cries Monster

I don’t know what I am anymore.

I can’t see, but I can feel the dark,
I can’t feel reality, but I’ve gained true sight,
I’m on a train, no, it’s gone mad, derailed,
Like me,
  It’s got a single destination but the road is
Winding,
My thoughts are
Blinding, I can’t understand my own

Rhyming, I can’t organize the flow of memory,
     Whenever I blink I hear the past,
Whenever I speak I taste the future,
Fragments of what I know is to come, I see a
Hateful home,
Deathly white reflection, I see
   Lethe, I see
    Styx, I see
     Chiron, my
Golden wings can't keep feathers bound together, they are me,
I can't keep myself together,
I’m so far within myself that the flames I sit by play shadows on the canvas of my eyelids,
I am alone in a cavern of fire and ice,
I am stranded on a mental island, castaway, reject,

I am being told to end it,
I am being told to carry out my destiny,
I am being told I am a failure,
I am being chased with a

Knife
Sharp

 

Memory.

 

I am being chased into my own

 

 

Memory.


  
Tile.

White.

Mind blank from fear,
I am like tile,

The tile is stained.
I am stained.

The tile is red, there is something dripping.
I am lying on the tile.
I am lying by the dripping,
I am stained.

I am in a kitchen, I hear nothing,
I hold my own breath,
I hear nothing but the dripping.
I hear no breathing.
I swear there was someone else in the room.

I stand on the tile.
I stand by the dripping.
I see a knife.
I see a butcher's knife,
My mother has been butchered.
There was someone else in the room.
I hear no breathing.
I am stained.

I have fallen upon the tile.
The tile is white, black and red.
I am blackened,
I have seen things I shouldn't,
I have held things I shouldn't,
I have run when I shouldn't,
I shouldn't have run,
I should have been butchered instead.
I am stained.

My mother is dripping.
She has butchered herself.
My mother is a murderer.
She has killed herself.

To my mother I was a monster.
To myself I was a victim.
I ran like a victim.
I made me a monster.

She was deluded and dark,
She saw beasts in the dark,
She was black in the mind,
We are deluded and dark,
I am tile.
I am white, black, and red.
I am a ghost,
I am dark,
I am bloody.

My mother and I are both invisible.
She lost her right to reality when she
Evicted herself from her corporeal form.
I lost my right to reality when I
Fell into our delusions.
I am a butcher.

I am a Monster.
I cage myself, burn myself alive,
Gas myself to death, choke myself on the fumes of
Paranoia and doubt, I
Keep myself in chains,
Take my own mother away,
Keep my own reality at bay,
Set myself on a linear train track with an unwavering end,
The inescapable interior of my own scattered mind,
I give myself hope, but just enough to take it away,
I am a prison, I am a death camp, I am a foreigner to myself,
I capture the body and force it into madness,
I am the Monster.






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