Fix Myself

April 11, 2017
By , Knoxville, TN

I cried today
I found out that the worst get worse
And my worst is failure
Apparently in order for me to succeed
Being myself isn’t an option

I wonder why in 8th grade
The thoughts of blood stained wrists felt better than the actual sight of it
Because I was too scared to hurt myself more than I already was hurt
I wonder why in 9th grade a suspension from a sports team
Was my end of the world
And in 10th grade,
My god,
In 10th grade
I was told to freaking fix myself
Because I could never be just that
I stayed up until 2 am worried about falling back into old patterns
I have already fallen
In 10th grade they told me to fix my attitude
Because my attitude is the worst
At first it was being rude to my tennis coach
And then, it really hurt,
When they told me to fix my attitude in the classroom
The classroom is my safe haven
And I never thought of myself having a bad attitude
So don’t tell me to fix my attitude
Maybe don’t judge me based on what a person who doesn’t know me at all thinks they have the right to say
They have no right telling you who I am
I am so much better than a few words written on a piece of paper
Don’t tell me who I am
Because I never wanted to tell you

I never wanted to tell you
About my depression
About how I don’t want to kill myself,
Because I want to succeed
About how I came “this” close to slitting my wrists
But didn’t because I want to succeed
I never wanted to tell you
About my stress
Because I try not to let the thought of my bad grades
Take control of my life
And how those grades
Make me lose sleep
I never wanted to tell you about my anxiety
Because it made me anxious to speak
To you about my issues
My anxiety has taken over my social life
And I have so much trouble
Telling my class how much I loved the book we read
Because my opinion may not be the right one
And no,
I never wanted to tell you about my attitude
Because it has been my longest and hardest struggle
And it isn’t a simple fix
I am not going to fix myself,
But I will change
Because that
Is not
An option

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