shutter


Im “that” girl
Ilive at home with my mother
And i have a job
I was born within Nothingness
Which say a lot
Honestly not
She and i don’t get along, but i believe she wants the best for me
I just never would want to hurt he-
But that’s all i seem to do
Because i’m crippled
She is stuck in the past
Her past
That she doesn’t know what’s going on between us
We’ll go from hating every part of each other,
To her being my bestfriend
She is the one to hold my hands when im scared,
She holds me in her arms when i cry
That’s what mothers are for right?
She was my confidant
Until i saw this sensational man
But I’m scared
So i look at my phone
It covers me
I look in
Deeper and deeper
But all it tells me what’s happening in the Kardashian's life
Or who is pregnant now.
I am terrified to look up
But i do
I look straight up,
Meeting his gentle eyes
While he meets mine


How how i want to hold someone in my arms
Where it’s warm
Where his smile makes my day
Where he can make me grin
But i'm crippled
Because i'm crippled when the men look i shudder away
Back in my phone
Deeper and deeper i go
I am comfortable with being uncomfortable
What is who i am
Crippled
Mother always said if i don’t get out there i will be alone for ever
Then there was him
Yes him
We have meet before
But without words
Just the meeting of our eyes
But he made my heart hurt
Maybe out of sadness
Maybe out of pain
But i hope its out of love
He said hello
Hello to me
Out of every girl
He saw me
Not knowing im bland
Im plain
Im that girl
That girl who will not become anything special
Yet
He made me feel less crippled
And some what special
Special?
He said hello
To me
I gently whispered hello back
I knew what i wanted right away
He took my hand  in one swift breath
I grasped his hand back
We swayed in the wind
My hair down
There i stood
Not crippled
For that one single moment i wasn’t crippled
As we danced
My emotion fly
Flying so high
I flutter
As if I’m watching myself dance
I still had my phone in my hand-
Clenching it tight
The phone drops
It
Shatters
Shattering my safety net
My security
I pull away ever so quickly
Scared to look up
I was crippled all over again
He reeled me in with his arms
Say i’ll never hurt you
Not knowing he already did
I no longer have that phone to hold me back from the moment
NO outlet
NO backing out
NO escape
He holds me in his arms
Where that security is forming all over again
With the swiftest of motions
He leans in for the kiss
THE KISS
The moment i dreaded my whole life
The kiss
Under the beautiful stars
How perfect is that
Yet not as perfect as him
That kiss was meant for only one person
It was meant for him
So i didn't pull away
Like i always do
I kissed him back
He made me feel special
I wasn’t crippled
I was just lucky to be with him
Yet i shook
Shook out of excitement
Shook out of fear
But i shook
So i sat
I sat down in sorrow
Because i saw his face
And
I
Knew
The sorrow i felt was overwhelming
My heart hurt even more
Like a weight sat on my heart
I knew he was going to let me go
I knew he was going to hurt me
I just knew
Like everyone else
I felt crippled
I don't have my phone to hide
I don't want to hear what he has to say
I am crippled
And he knew it
He grazed my face with his fingers
Tilting my face up
To say i'm sorry
I never felt so much pain in my life
As if an arrow went through me heart
I wasn't ready
I was damaged
Because i'm crippled when the men look i shudder away
Back in my phone
Deeper and deeper i go
But i had no phone
I was bare
I was vulnerable
I was damaged
He is still standing there
Looks into my eyes
Yet i didn't shutter away
I could tell he was sorry
I didn't ask why he leaving me
Nor do i plan to
I didn't want to hear
I walk away
Naked
Scared
Bruised
Was i ever damaged
Damaged
What does damaged mean
I wasn't damaged
I was just scared to see
Scared to see color
Scared to see the smiles
Scared to live
I see that i can be happy
I can be happy without him
Without my phone
Without the fear
I am free
I can see
I see me
For the first time i saw
Who i was meant to be






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