If only they knew...

May 1, 2017

Today was like any other,
Jokes were made and pasts discovered.
I watch as they laugh,
I really wish it wasn’t at me.
They found the skeleton that lives in me,
They learned where it went,
But if they only knew…

The skeleton has been all around the state,
Not for the purpose of travel,
It was for treatment, just not for the bones,
For the brain inside, I was told I was sick.
Although I was told it wasn’t the kind that could be fixed

I was crazy, psychotic, and insane,
But posed no threat to others, only myself
And perhaps the damage I did was not only to me,
But these laughs I hear don’t know much of my story.

That is what I am here to tell,
I mean after all it’s quite a tale to tell.
It started before I was born,
And it began with my father, a military man.

My father was deployed for much of my life,
Which was easy being I was 8 years old
Until the day he took his life.
You see, my father was sick,
My family had fallen apart,
If only we had known the worst was yet to come....

My parents had fought, and I was taken to my aunts,
My mother left for her night shift job,
While my father sat at home writing his note,
Gathering the gun, and leaving the house,
Preparing to say goodbye to life,
He drove down to the lake.

That cold February morning when I heard the news,
I was just confused. I did not know what suicide was,
But i still heard my aunt on the phone,
With someone on the other end telling her my father was dead.
I knew what the word dead meant, and I cried for four hours.
if I only knew how much worse it would get...

A short week later I watch my father’s casket be buried.
Another week passed and I returned to my second grade class.
I began therapy, and began taking medications,
Because i could not sleep because I had developed PTSD,
The night terrors became worse,
Because these medications no longer allowed me to wake up.
These dreams still haunt me to this day.

But this was only the beginning of how bad things would get.
My sister seemed almost unaffected,
Although she may have held up that way for me.
My brother developed a drug addiction when I was 10,
He was sent to rehab when i was 11,
He didn’t come home until I was almost 13.
My mom started going to AA meetings,
I didn’t know what AA meant.

I on the other hand had grown up
From ages 8-14 surrounded by addiction and hate..
But at age 13 is when it went downhill.
I watched as blood poured from my body,
Hundreds of wounds laced my legs,
But it only spread,
I didn’t think I wanted to be dead.
If only I knew what the future had to hold…

At age 13 I had my first boyfriend,
I was so in love, but I still wasn’t good enough.
So I started skipping meals, turning into full days without eating.
Which turned to two, three, four, five… which led to anorexia
But then I hit the point where my body shut down.
Oh god do i wish I hadn’t been at his house.
I was raped, at age 13,
I did not leave my house for the rest of summer.
I took dozens of pills every night just to sleep

The cuts that I engraved on my body became
More abundant, deeper, and spread to other parts of my body.
No one knew in school the reason i only ever wore
Jeans and a sweatshirt, but later that year,
Two months after I turned 14 I overdosed.
I slept two days straight

No one noticed because there was no where I was needed.
Nor did anyone care, this is when i discovered
Oh how broken I was, but instead of sadness,
I had only felt numb,
If only they knew how far I had sunk…

I have passed out from blood loss,
Lossed consciousness from not eating.
Blood stained towels, blurry vision,
Heart palpitations, burning skin.
I survived for three years,
On two sticks of gum and a Diet Dr. Pepper,
And everything I ate I threw up after,

I destroyed myself in every way possible.
Everywhere from my wrists, stomach, hips, all down my thighs
Is covered in thick white and pink lines,
My liver is destroyed after bottles and bottles of pills.
I can’t go five hours without eating,
The taste of Diet Dr. Pepper burns my throat,
If only they knew all the help I tried to get…

I have been in six psychiatric hospitals,
I have been to month long programs,
I have been in treatment facilities for months,
I have been in seven different types of therapies
I wish they knew the story behind why I was there,
So let me tell you, they can look at me like I’m crazy
When i say where the skeletons I’ve hidden have been,
If they only knew everything that I’d been through,
Maybe they wouldn’t laugh…
My story although long is not yet over.

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TheOverload said...
May 4 at 7:05 am
But now you have someone who cares Someone to sit by you and hold you when you are to upset to speak Someone to love you when you can't love your self Someone to care for you when you can't care for yourself Someone who actually loves you
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