What it's like to hallucinate

March 27, 2017

What it's like to hallucinate:
*Trigger warning*
Faint, indistinct, murmurs. I hear them. It's undeniable, yet, simultaneously, they are without any existence. I feel the presence of a void. A place where the air in the room leaves empty, as if there's something in the way. Alone, in this struggle, without any relating to me or from anyone. "Eschistzhooxn raucz." I tell myself, repeatedly, almost as to preach. Convincing myself that it can only understand my thoughts in English. Studying linguistics in an effort to feel safer. How disturbed I become, with the realization that it watches me sleep. How unsafe I feel, with the constant reminder that it's still next to me. How unstable and anxious my mind bends to, with the feeling of it's tense moist hand on the back of my neck. The heat of it's humidity condensates on my face as it breathes on me, yet, I remain still, without any motion, to act as though I have an immunity and am unaffected. We both know it's a lie as it whispers in my ear. I promise, I'm not crazy. I promise, I can't help it. I promise I'm an educated, productive, and progressive member of society. Please, don't see me as a freak, just someone who's nightmares became a reality. As I sit, twitching and whispering to myself on the bus, see me as someone who needs comfort, feeling scared and alone in my own world, leave me without your judgement.

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