Her Name

February 6, 2017
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She has a name.

A great name in fact.

A name I often think of when things are good or bad. It's never changed meanings however the timing has. 


I remember thinking of her name when I was in class wishing she was there so I could talk and make fun of people.

I thought of her name when I thought of my friends especially my best friends.

I thought of her when I would walk in stores and see a piece of clothing she owned or a  song on the radio she or I liked together.


Back then I thought of her in happy times.


Then high school came and I thought of her less and then more as grades and seasons came and went and we had classes and then didn't but that connection was never broken because when someone is a true best friend you don't just stop thinking of them when you don't see them everyday you still think of them when in the mall or in a car passing her road.


But you also think of them when you hear bullets.


When your just in class then here bullets and then everyone screams and runs out. In that moment I only thought of her name.


Her name and where I could find her to say it to. Her class that day was not far from mine but it still felt like miles of bullets and guns and regrets so as I ran out of the school I thought of her name and prayed that I got to say it to her one more time.


Those were mostly happy times when I thought of her name but I think the first time her name was associated with a sad memory was when I sat at her funeral and they said we were there to celebrate her life.


I couldn't until that moment think of her name in a bad way but then it hit me like the bullet that it her in her head twice before she collapsed on her way to the bathroom.


She was never going hear me say her name again and I would never get to hear her replay to it. It hurt me to think that this thing, this name, that had always had such a positive meaning,now has a negative one.


It was like a shiny trophy on a shelf that no one could take from you. It just sat in your room and looked pretty and then one day it fell and as you watched it fall in slow motion you knew there was nothing you could do.


So now I live after the good and the bad has passed and still think of her name.


Weather it's when I pass her clothes in the mall or when I watch movies and see people die. The thing about is that non of those things feel really anymore.


Those aren't her clothes that belonged to her and neither are those bullets. But I still think of her name.


A name that is forever cursed in my mind for I know I will never be able to say to this girl who was such a big part of my life simple things like " I love you. " Or her name.

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