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Who What Where

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Frozen.
Unable to move.
Sitting stiffly trying my hardest to seem “normal.”
Twitching.
It hurt but I could not comprehend what injury I’ve received.
Whether if it was in my conscious
or on my body,
I could not pinpoint
what
was bothering me.

Maybe I did
but I simply chose to deny.
Deny, Deny, Deny.
I could pretend this was all a dream,
a hallucination
that's right.

She is not me.
I am not she. 
Yet she brings me so many theories,
so many thoughts,
they are completely mindless,
but I'm too in
to stop.

My heart is beating faster than it should ever beat,
hurting my chest,
chaining the rest,
I scratch at everything I possibly can,
trying to hold on to the little pieces
I have left.

I can hear nothing ,
everything is drowned out,
except the beating of my heart.
That is far too loud.

It is only me
but I feel like someone else
indeed.
Trying to create a better version of myself
to fit society's needs,
but I'm incapable of doing so
because I am simply
me.

I am the product
of the human theory
of a life expiring from overthinking.
I try
I try
to not even think
because I know my thoughts are like a disease, 
that paralyzes my mind,
my body,
my dreams.
Instead I make promises,
self denying lies,
to fend of the disease
that controls my whole life.
When to speak,
when to hide,
what to say,
what to lie,
who to talk to,
who to avoid, 
I am a puppet,
a mindless toy,
controlled by my thoughts
that I try so hard
to avoid.

Like a plague they follow me,
trapping me in,
putting me in a cage spun
from the theories
in my head.
I am only on a bus
but this feels like a void,
no escape I can ever
possibly deploy.




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