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My mind vs Me

By , Auckland, New Zealand

If I could describe how I'm feeling, it would be like I'm a tourist within my own mind

When it comes time, my tounge reaches down to my stomach and ties them both in knots

The butterflies died 3 months ago

 

Now it's worse.

It's worse like, I'm a burden to be around

It's worse like noone wants me to be here no more

Its worse like I don't even want to be here no more. 

I'm lost in myself and I didn't leave a map behind, 

 

It's always my turn to play life but life outplays me everytime

Skip a turn and miss a beat-

My heart, misses the beat 

I can't have too many of those in one round. 

 

It's just games

It's all games... then why aren't I having fun?

 

Next round, I try not to step on my eyelashes while stepping on eggshells

I need to be awake for this as much as I don't want to be 

I'm tired. 

I can't really help it

I can't really talk about my emotions like others can 

 

Tears are stored like ice cubes in my heart

I don't want my heart to become a freezer.

 

Isn't it funny how people act like you feel emotions with your heart like, 

Love and lovebreak 

But then, in the same rise of their lips tell you it's all in your head?

 

I avoid adressing my feelings like salt and open wounds, 

I put salt, on open wounds just so I can feel what it's like to swallow it 

I drink vinegar just so I can feel the bitter taste at the back of my throat 

And again, when I throw it up afterwards

The aftertaste could last you all summer 

 

Sometimes, when you feel like noone is fighting in your corner 

It's easier to lie down and wait for the count to ten. 

Then, peel yourself off the ground like a tired banana peel and stand on rotting limbs 

 

I feel most alive when I'm supposed to be asleep

 

I was asked if I knew what coffee table silence was, 

I said I had heard it before in a Blythe Baird poem 

Am I supposed to rest my feet on it like the poem tells me to? 

Or am I just supposed to drink down coffee and tables then pull the splinters from my tounge and bite down to stop the bleeding?

I just hope my gag reflex is enough to hold it down. 

 

I've been doing a lot of holding things down recently. 

 

I just hope I can hold on at the same time. 




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