I couldn't stop the tears, drowning me on land.

I couldn't stop the aching that spread through my chest and made me scream.
I didn't have the time to understand or to comprehend
before I was banging on the walls in my room and cursing your name as loud as I could.
I didn't have the energy to go on after I screamed the loudest I could,
and I fell to the floor clutching myself begging you to come back.
I didn't tell you this but I'm in love with you.
I used to throw that word around when I had first met you.
Every page of my diary has the same sentence written on it.
But as the weeks scurried by it became less and less.
I realized what love meant when I had know you for eleven months.
When I scribbled it down into the pages of my beaten up notebook.
I never got the chance to tell you my crush was something more than that.
You left too early and there isn't anything I can do now.
You're leaving me here all alone with words I never got to say.
And now there is nothing I can do but curse your name.
Days must have flown by, weeks perhaps.
But it was a blur.
I remember briefly gathering myself and getting a black dress on.
I walked to the funeral with my family, hardly looking up.
My eyes burned with the tears I swore I wouldn't shed.
I barely remember the service.
But I remember when they led us to the grave.
And you were there, lying in a casket, in your best suit I'm sure.
A suit I'd seen you wear when your heart beat and blood ran under your skin.
And there I couldn't stop myself, I cried like everybody else.
Except I loved you more.
I was the last one to place a rose on the shiny finishing of your new home.
My finger burned from where I pricked myself on a thorn,
but it was nothing compared to the fire in my heart.
I hardly remember going home.
But I remember slamming my door and
pounding on my walls and cursing your name until my throat was raw.
I remember crying and screaming and kicking my furniture.
I remember demanding why you left me here all alone with words I never got to say to you.
It's hurts the most for me never knowing if you knew.
It's something I never imagined I would feel,
such love turning into undying rage.
It was such a blur I don't remember how it happened.
I don't remember who told me.
I can't even remember me doing anything but crying.
I don't know if I'll ever survive this.
But I know you didn't survive long enough for me to tell you.
Now I've got words I never could say to you.
It took some time, but soon I ran out of ways to curse your name.
And I got so many bruises on my hands that
hitting the wall was as painful as you dying.
And I eventually faced the fact that the rose I left with you was wilted and dead.
So I picked up the pieces of me scattered around my room and
I pulled my converse shoes on for the first time since you died.
I walked and walked past the stones until I saw the one with your name carved into it.
Beloved son and friend, I read.
I laid a single rose down and
I whispered the words I never said.