Because when I was five years old I don’t remember sidewalk chalk or learning to spell “Apple”, I remember my father leaving because that’s what he did when things got hard.
Because when I was six years old my father decided to come back and instead of talking to me about why he left he took me out to buy a Play Station 2
Because I wasn’t allowed to play Grand Theft Auto I played 007
Because when I was six I was elated when my family was going to go bowling one night, this included my father
Because I had a check up earlier that day because I was often thirsty and tired and because the doctors told my mother that instead of bowling I had to go to the hospital
Because instead of doing something with my family as a whole, I was diagnosed with Type 1 juvenile diabetes
Because I was nine when my father started leaving me home alone to watch my younger siblings
Because my mother worked night shift at a hospital because my father wasn’t reliable during the day
Because my father thought he was sneaky and sly and thought that no one knew about his affair for a year and a half
Because I was left home alone I wasn’t allowed to sleep with the doors locked because my father would come home at 3 a.m. drunk and wouldn’t know how to unlock the door
Because I wasn’t allowed to sleep with the door unlocked because that was “stupid” and “irresponsible”
Because I wasn’t allowed to call my mom when my father left because he got yelled at
Because I saw my dad unlock his car door outside for a woman in a small white compact
Because I knew that woman and knew my mother knew that woman
Because my mother cried when my father drank
Because the only words my father said while he was intoxicated I wasn’t allowed to say until I was 15
Because my father left us for a woman and didn’t care if he saw us again
Because it took me two years to finally stay the night at my father’s new house
Because I missed the first year of my half-brothers life
Because I was 13 when my mom found me in a dark room
Because I was 13 when my father blamed everyone but himself for me being suicidal
Because my father couldn’t come to hospital by himself and had to bring his new girlfriend with him every where he went
Because my father chose to ignore that I was depressed
Because my father told me that I could do great things if my head was screwed on straight
Because my father saw my stretch marks when I was 12 and told me to take it easy
Because when I was 15 we moved to a different state
Because my family needed a fresh start
Because when a group of kids I didn’t know decided to start rumors about me when they didn’t even know me
Because they told everyone but me
because I was sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve
Because I spent more time taking showers because it was easy to hide my crying
Because they all thought it was funny
Because I am more feminine looking its funny when I get misgendered
Because I watched both of my younger sisters go through hell in middle school
because I watched my mother sacrifice everything for her three kids
Because I finally became the bigger person and started a relationship with my father again
Because I fell in love with my little brother
Because he is one of the biggest reasons I continue to fight
Because my father and I could only talk about sports, cars, and music but it was still something
Because my father joked about never living long
Because my father fell weak when he needed to be strong
Because my father left behind seven kids
Because I graduated with an empty seat next to my mother
Because I finally screwed my head on straight
Because I made into college
Because I remained strong when I could of gave up.