Yellow Houses

I used to want to build yellow houses
Before they came crashing around my ears
our hearts beating out of pattern, his breaths study and mine were rabbit like, pulsating
tears stained his shirt
Highly pressurized air, I was lost underwater, forced my
fingernails into his palm, creating tiny crescent moons in his flesh,
a hot air balloon, my earthlines snapping
listening to my spirit- crack.
When in this situation I advise you to tally up all you need to replace within yourself
Line up each yellow house in a line and destroy them systematically.

I used to want to build yellow houses
A yellow house with a red door, inside our
personalities tangled like arms and legs, words mingling like tears and sweat, skin touching skin, soul touching soul, unraveling “I love you”s
Every second I can already see the metaphorical bullet through your head, I can see every tear I am sure to make already blooming in your eyes
When having a panic attack you will need one, a replacement for trust.
Breathe. He holds me together at my seams.

I used to want to build yellow houses
Follow your dreams, they told me, do what you love, they told me, but make plenty of money while you’re doing it
I am a person created from mediocre test scores, cagebars of numbers
I built dreams out of words and yellow houses with red doors, but they told me I was naive.
When having a panic attack, you will need two, a replacement for your future.
Breathe. I press my cheek into his collarbone hard.

I wanted to build yellow houses
Until my sanctuary was invaded.
my personal bubble growing exponentially every moment they called down lightning bolts to quell my sparks and
I didn’t stop them because I was pathetic
they were in my face and I couldn’t stop the words
Like hammers on my body
When having a panic attack you will need three, replacement for security.
Breathe. I try to feel the solid caring around me.

I used to want to build yellow houses
But I needed replacements for the arms that lack muscle
Replacements for the fists that lack determination
The heart that lacks the fortitude of a pulse
For the jaw that lacks grit
The eyes that lack tears
The wings that I lacked.
I wanted to build yellow houses but I constructed walls.
You will want to
Shut out the deserving because of them
Shut out the worthful, shut out yourself,
A woven confusion of fear and worry because of them
The walls created because of me.
Because of a fear that the world’s imperfections had reached their tipping point-
Breathe. When you have a panic attack, remember that

I want to build yellow houses, drowning in the relieving tears
Because in my yellow houses the dirt may be frozen but the air is clear
So fly your way home, child
No checkered flag in sight doesn’t mean you can’t start
Rise

I want to build yellow houses and fill them with soul
When you have a panic attack, remember to
Look farther than God
Pray harder than faith
Create your own pulpit, become your own prophet
Burn with the force of your conviction
Rise
Muster the voice muted,
My mind pulls itself outside of my skull
holding onto my body by only a lifeline it expands out into the nonexistence
staring down on my panic attack
There are no boundaries in my yellow house.
tap into my veins and bleed words
In that yellow house, at the edge of my panic attack
I am being held.
Something cracks, but the melancholy holds me up, my soul crying with sorrow and joy
Rise

Rise my words.
Rise my voice.
Rise my wings.





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