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Mother Dear

Mindless TV keeps you company at night;
Its droning song drags your brain along
And ever-present alcohol pulls you under.
I'm alone with the universe of my mind;
Songs of thoughts and infinite contemplations
Weigh heavy on my eyelids
And my heart

Ignorance must be bliss,
But a shell with nothing inside
Can't be worth much of anything.
Doesn't the constant silence,
The empty echo of thoughtless laughter,
Drive you utterly mad?
Maybe it does in a way because
You're always
Mad.

What is it like to live in such darkness
You're always fuzzy and fumbling, lost in a foggy haze
Your bleary eyes still crave that buzz
And I've always wondered why
But now I justify the drinking as a way to ignore
What you've caused your two children to become
Depressed, self-deprecating, suicidal messes,
Screwed up in all the wrong places
And mother dear, you still live in ignorance.

All throughout the years of pigtails and innocence,
My friends would giggle and hop
Over breaks in the continuity of the sidewalk
And I would cast my eyes downward
To ensure that I firmly planted both feet on every crack
"Please" echoed with each yearning step
And my wishful whispers were sickening and wayward
"Just let me break my mother's back"

Enlighten me, oh mother dear.
Tell me why tears spring from these broken eyes
When I see for myself how patient and kind you never were
In the warmth of maternal love for everyone but me;
I am not one of the lucky kids.
Tears are not water, but still they fall to the ground
Where roots do not grow even though this tree stands
I do not know how I stand.
Maybe it's because I am hollow.

Tell me why I exist in sadness
Tell me why I live in fear of affection
Tell me why I hate myself so much
After an escaped thought whispers
"Stop; don't do this to yourself"
Disclose at last why it's my fault
Because my sadness has always been my fault
What you've done to me is my fault

Tonight, when I walk to my bedroom,
I'll pass your half-asleep form on the couch
And you'll drunkenly garble, "I luvu hunny"
And my eyes will remain fixated upon my feet
And my mouth will not waver from its closed position
And you'll still wonder why
You'll always wonder why



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