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i don't know what to do anymore

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i don’t know what to do anymore.
ha ha ha, your mouth twisting
into a conformation of lip limbs
i didn’t know human flesh could conjure.
the setting sun laughs with you,
shining rays of incredulity into the atmosphere.
but really, i don’t know
a lot of things

i don’t know why everyday feels like
drowning, feels like accusatory
knife lines into my ribs, puncturing holes
the fluid coming up to my throat.
the night comes sneaking in
tendrils of black, daggers sinking into my skin,
when all i want
is not to feel anything at all

but really! really really really,
when all you’ve got is everything,
all these glittery opportunities with high-heeled
expectation, open palms, the world is yours,
take it, take it, really, others have less than this --

and what if i don’t want it,
i don’t want a broken pile of pieces
that you call the world, with claws like ice
needles pulling at my brain, words like blood
thumping across a broken dashboard,
useless and spilling all over

you’re being utterly ridiculous.

i know. and you don’t have to tell me,
i don’t know, i don’t know a lot of things,
i don’t know how to unlatch myself from
seemingly infinitesimal demons, how to tell you somehow
that all that i have
is wasted on me

how could you --
what do you --
make some sense --
question marks dance on
the lines of your eyebrows, taunting

i wish it could all be easier
i wish that instead of people telling me
that i’m wrong and i’m ungrateful and
maybe a little stupid
they could express to me just what
just what
is so wonderful and entrancing
about a fractured universe
stabbing me in the gut every time
i get near

frustration makes creases into
your already-furrowed forehead
“i don’t know what to do anymore”

me
neither



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