October 24, 2012
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I’m often confused at the meaning of Jasnia
I know she has big, bold eyes and a smile like sunshine.
But I also know she has no idea who she is.
That she’s spent so much time trying to create her identity that she hasn’t taken the time to embrace her originality.
She hates every character trait she secretly imitates
At night she drowns herself in stories of what she could be
She makes excuses for what she should be but isn’t.
Allow me to introduce her
I mean
I’m 18 years old I stand 5 feet 2 inches short and I have a habit of avoiding mirrors
I’m a freshman in college and I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here
I'm not sure what I stand for anymore
Not sure I know who I am or if I ever knew who I was
I cry like it’s the best way I know how to breath
I can’t tell you what accomplishment or wholeness feels like
And not because I’ve never experienced it
But because I never thought I was worthy of letting it penetrate my skin and make a lasting impression
So just as quickly as satisfaction comes it leaves
I cleave to the expectation of others because at least I can’t tell if they pretending to love me or just choosing to tolerate me
When I was younger, I was told that I was born a leader but even I wouldn’t want to follow someone who couldn’t recognize their own reflection
I smile because it’s easier than explaining a frown
I'm better at acting than I am living
I'm really good at tricking people in to thinking I matter to someone other than them
People say they can see my story in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve I'm just curious as to what they see
Even the ones I know love me for me don’t really love me because they don’t know me
My insecurities are painted in superficial confidence and glued to my brain stem
I often find myself wishing I could be someone else that I could mean just as much to someone as my friends mean to me
I spit advice to others as if the Bible were tattooed on my tongue and doctor Phil is making a chair out of my incoming wisdom teeth
I self-medicate with music and poetry that I barely understand
I crave the approval of people that I can’t stand
I only can’t stand them because I envy their honesty
This is the first time I’ve had the ability to tell the truth
To look in the mirror and say “I don’t know you”
It’s the first time I fell on my knees and cried out to God and tell him that I don’t know who I am and neither does anyone else
That the thought of someone knowing that the only thing that keeps me going is hoping that someone might actually think of me today.
That I'm an attention addict that being notice is the thing that I wish for most
That I'm ashamed of what I become and that’s why we haven’t spoken in all this time
Tell Him the truth: That most human’s approval means more to me than His
That the thought of living invisibly scars me more than fire and brimstone
That I only feel alive in front of people clapping for me and I until now I couldn’t even tell the truth when I was alone.
That the thought of someone finding out every lie flings my heart into panic
The thought of no one having a memory of me makes me want to lay down and stop breathing
I don’t want to be proud, just to have pride
To not have to apologize for walking with truth and to look in the mirror and tell that stranger
“I am you.”
I want to see Jesus in her eyes and love oozing from her face
I want to see honesty perched like an eagle on the tip of her lips
I want to wake up each day like I mean something to the Son
I want to walk with purpose
I’ve decided that I've spent too much time basking in my brokenness
Its time to start allowing the truths in the Bible destroy the lies I've allowed myself to be poisoned with
To live like the only people watching are myself and God
Because right now
They’re the only people who matter
And tomorrow I'm going to get out of bed with a new mindset
I'm going to look in the mirror and say
“Hey, I've missed you.”

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