Interconnected Thoughts, Severed by Knives

By , New York, NY
And suddenly, I feel listless
floating aimlessly in a sea of despair
watching the clouds above me pass by,
a cheap imitation of memories and opportunities lost
Regret lingers in the air, filling my lungs
and tainting my image of life
A fragile thing that shatters like glass in my grip,
Even super glue couldn't put the pieces back together,
the cracks unmendable

The girl in the mirror smiles,
a broken thing with sober eyes
and drunken dreams
wishing that if fantasies were drugs
she'll be an addict
to that morphine

When the girl waves at me, in the darkness
of a blackened room with drawn shades,
I could barely make out the outline of her soul,
a thing that shrinks back into itself at the sight of a frown

I see her lips move but my ears won't translate what she says
Words turning into jumbled letters, on the verge of strangling each other
A mess of sounds escape chapped lips and I'm reminded
of silent screams in the middle of the night
Bitterness swirling in my ribcage
Growing weeds of anger
My garden of love now becoming my garden of hate

A punch to the mirror shatters it,
pieces scattered throughout the room,
looking like the trust I once handed over so carelessly to smiling fools
I feel like a fool
Letting my head fill with words, letting them swirl between the gaps in my ribcage,
becoming a cage to all the things I want to say,
my throat becoming a trap for things that go unsaid,
trapping my airway.

I'm back to feeling breathless
and I'm reminded of drowning
sinking under the weight of burdens for shoulders too small
and mistakes that scar
becoming an anchor that keeps sinking me under
creating a pathway for doubts and what ifs and should haves
Another soul lost to humanity
to society
to herself
Another faceless victim caught in a web of constant crossroads
and quick decisions that weren't meant to be made

Every word that doesn't reach me,
builds the road to a mental jail,
a worser tomorrow
communication severed between friends
now strangers who see each other on the street
pass them without a glance or a hello
out of mind, out of sight
becoming the way to wipe out years of memories
and moments cherished
another pathway to the destruction of the person you see in the water

When we die and life flashes before our eyes,
will we be proud of all we've done if we can't even stand to face the truths
thrown in our face,
or keep putting up fake smiles and painting our faces like clowns,
pretending that everything is alright
and that the world isn't bleeding,
just like our heart is?

I look up, and I see no roads,
desert storms reminding me of barren fields
representing lost friendships, relationships with the people around us and ourselves
Ashes, the only remainder of bonds lost, strings that held us together snapping under the weight of circumstances
What happened to best friends forever?
When did words become meaningless and empty?
Another excuse to break hearts
and rob children of their innocence
When did it become OK to strangle flowers before they bloomed?
Shatter dreams before the seeds were even planted?
Tell children they weren't good enough to love?
Cut off the wings to freedom, keeping us captive to the plains of suffering?

Sometimes I feel numb,
as if my heart suddenly gave out and left me unconnected to the world around me
leaving me begging for a lifeline, a connection to the old me
who smiled when she felt joy, not to reassure strangers she was alright
Why now, do I feel as if I've been rewired?
every move feeling unfamiliar
and brand new
Not even being able to stand when being mistreated or misrepresented by a person that doesn't even know me
that lets the government do as they please
and uses writing as an escape,
when her escape should be her voice and not just her words
that rarely ever leave the paper
written by an uncontrolled pen,
reflecting all the chaos of her life,
years of pent up tension creating swirls and bunched up scribbles
and blotches

One time I woke up, eyes bleary from sleep
feeling like a zombie,
walking all wobbly and felt as if I was ready to collapse,
imagining that I was on a tightrope with a pretty little tutu,
a crowd, eager and faceless, watching from the stands
as they awaited my great fall down
from success,
from the distance above from depression and negativity
A distance so easy to cover when you fall
but so hard to rise above

I'm losing my balance
My brain not responding as I look down
watching the netless floor open up,
ready to swallow me whole as it had done many times before
when I was still weak and defenseless
The fall is long, but when I land, it is back in my field
A blank canvas
because the only way to go when you hit rock bottom, is up
so up I will go
with wings springing from an exposed back,
ready for the knives of deceit and betrayal
ready to fly so high into the sky
that not even heaven or death can reach





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