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you'll be seventeen forever

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so I guess you'll be seventeen forever,
in every memory until you fade away
into the dust. you're gone, it's done,
no more chances. it's all over.
I know that's what you wanted
and for once, you finally got it.
are you happy now? are you finally free?
even if you're not feeling anything,
and it's all just black and nothing,
at least this purgatory's finished.
you don't have to cry, bleed, suffer.
you don't have to hate yourself anymore.
why, how, when, what, where, those are
questions I will never find answered
and probably never should.
do you regret it, or would you?
even if you don't...
at least your chains are broken,
at least you're free to roam,
free to fly and swim and run
wherever you please in this world.
and at least these days are gone,
and you're done with these gunfights
and sword games. you don't have to
run away, you don't have to hide
you don't have to lie and fear and hold
your tongue against a board.
but then again, you've left them broken
they're missing a piece of the puzzle
or a verse of the song
and everything feels
just so d*** wrong.
how do you think she feels now?
you were supposed to protect her,
to care for her, to carry her home.
you were the only one
who was going to be there forever.
when mom and dad and grandma
were all buried and burned, you'd
still be the one laughing over the good times
and singing the songs they sang to you,
remembering the christmas tree and
the easter cookies and the sunrises
under the mexican sky,
but now she's all alone
maybe just as alone as you were
and just as scared and helpless
treading the edge of some knife
holding onto a floss-thick rope
that's her last tether to this
lonely planet.
I didn't know you, and I don't know you
but the worst part is, now I never can.
we could've been the best of friends,
worst of enemies, or just a passing face
in the crowd of the world.
maybe nothing ever would have happened,
maybe we never would've crossed paths again.
maybe, just maybe, we would've
been skipping stones on the pacific and
lighting fires in the forests of the mind
leaving those ashes in the eyes of god.
instead, you'll just be a name forever on
the tip of a tongue, a lonely letter never sent
that silence on the end of every sentence.
I promise there'll be as many thoughts of
you as there are grains of sand on that ocean
shore. I forgive, I regret, I sing, I fret,
I love, I'm upset, I cry, but I don't forget.
I'll remember you, forever and always.

May you rest in peace, you are and will be deeply missed.
(For Tai, 1995-2012)




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