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Pink Elephants in the Sea
I never willingly think about it, but it seems that it's haunting me constantly.
Day after day something reminds me of it.
The thought bubbles up out of the blue.
I get tense, my throat clenches, I forget how to breathe.
But as soon as it comes up I drown it back into my mind.
It's as simple as not thinking about it,
just get your mind off it.
Start conversation with someone,
pull out your iPod, anything.
Flood the psyche with pleasant thoughts,
and it's as if the idea never surfaced in the first place.
But it knows when the worst time to come up is.
In the dark, alone,
The body calm and relaxed,
The mind in overdrive.
It's too late to do anything but try and sleep.
And this marks my third night without proper sleep.
The only weak light comes from the glow of the alarm clock,
which I face away from in fear of knowing what the hour is.
The fan makes a white noise perfect for amplifying my every thought.
I began to lose the tight grip I have during consciousness.
I can feel it approaching,
there is no possible way I can ignore it.
The dark thoughts quickly pull me deep,
down under in the ocean of uncertainty.
Here, I have no where to seek safety.
The idea shivers in my head with my own voice.
I unwilling listen to the words;
Someday, you are going to die.
It's as if I am immersed in the arctic ocean.
Shaking uncontrollably from the bitter water.
I want to scream in denial but my breath has been taken to do so.
It doesn't even matter, teardrops can't be seen in the sea.
Deeper, the pressure builds against me and I cannot breathe.
Hopelessly I try to calm myself.
I try to be logical and reason with my fear.
Just like any other problem.
How can I treat it like a normal problem?
This isn't any other daily predicament,
like fearing you’re not going to get a parking spot.
It's a fear like no other, It's looming everywhere at every second.
Everyone is painfully aware of this.
The scary thing is how absolutely ordinary it is.
People die every day. People die every second.
But I will die only once.
Hysterically fighting for an answer,
It hits me like a snowflake but envelopes me whole,
forcing me into a paralyzed state as it entices me.
Softly whispers to, as a mother would,
you have nothing to fear, because it's not unknown.
I already know exactly what's it like to be dead.
I have been dead the millions of years before I was born.
I will be dead the millions of years after I live.
With the waves enlightenment I float in bliss.
Fear is illogical.
Resistance is useless.
I know exactly what it is like to be dead.
We all do.
Now I want to know what's it like to be alive.