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I wanted to know what faith was,
I longed to feel loved.
I faced my fears, plunged into something I didn’t know.
I convinced myself there was nothing to fear.
My happy delusion brought me unparalleled elation.
I went deeper, swam further into the unknown.
The siren summoned me, I willingly obliged.
Its being began disappearing,
My mind replaced its image with a beautiful fantasy.
I dove then, almost involuntarily.
I thought to myself, I should just follow my heart and reach out to my desires.
I leapt that leap of faith,
I could see myself crossing over to a land of ecstasy,
But then the truth slapped me,
Like the waves that crashed into the sand.
I had fallen for a figment of my imagination, a creation of my own lust mind.
Now… I hurt.
I feel waves of sadness, loneliness and the slap of rejection.
They come rhythmically,
As soon as if feel I can predict the next blow,
This is a test, I think to myself,
a test of faith.
I’ve tried so hard to believe despite my doubting nature.
I delved in to the unknown for one of my deepest desires,
I swam strong until the truth left me drowning and the currents pulled me out to where I began.
Having faith failed me,
I reverted to doubting once more… ever so briefly.
But now, hurting feels like the price I’ve paid for all my doubt;
Faith would have led me to believe this is where I was supposed to be.
I want to have faith,
It will make me strong.
I believe; at least I tell myself I believe.
My life isn’t falling apart,
It’s starting over in order to fall together.
I have faith.
This sea of mystery is a friend to me,
It showed me what before I couldn’t see:
The strength faith has given me.