Not giving into you and all that you have said to me the last few days is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do . It hurts to bad to think back on the memories of me and you and all that we have been through. Late at night when I am crying myself to sleep, all I can imagine is being wrapped tightly in your arms and feeling the comfort of your heart beating with mine. I know you say that you just want me to understand how you feel about me and you want me to understand that you love me, but when I actually look back on the storms that our relationship have weathered I wonder could it really be love ? It certainly doesn't feel like it. I wish things between us weren't so hard, because in all honesty I just want to be able to hold you again and know that you are mine. I want to know that no matter what the people have to say that you are going to be here, and that you're not going to walk away. Everyday I hear a million different people tell me that I can't be with you , and that you are no good for me. You are just going to hurt me over and over and that you will never learn when enough is enough, and part of me believes they are right. But in the back of my mind I also wonder how anyone can tell me who is good for me and who isn't . All they know is what they see, they don't know how I feel. I understand that they just want the best for me and that they want me to be happy , but I don't think that they understand being with you makes me happy. It seems like when you are thinking about tomorrow, I'm planning on forever and I'm beginning to think you don't think that far ahead. I wish I could just erase the past and just start over, I wish I could just wipe history clean of everything bad that has ever happened between us and build our relationship on everything that it has taught us. I wish I was strong enough minded to let go of the past and to move on to our future even though you have messed me over so many times, but the truth is even if I forgive you, it will always burn in the back of my mind. The new sting I feel when I see your face lately is becoming quite a familiar feeling. I don't like how when I see you my heart skips beats as if you had kissed me just like the very first time. Except, for this time my heart isn't skipping beats from the new and strong willed excitement you brought, but from the aching I feel inside when I look at you and I know that you aren't mine ; when I see you and I know that I can't hold you and you aren't' gonna be there to wipe away the tears and instead make my smile glow. It hurts to think that for so long, you have been mine and know that we have hit this mountain in front of us, we are slowly falling apart. I spend all my time thinking about you and it's killing me. I just want you here with me . I want to taste the sweetness of your breath intertwining with mine. I want to feel the comfort of your hands pressed firmly on my hips and I want to see the fiery look in your eyes that I used to whenever we got to touching. I want to know that your heart is still mine, because mine is still yours. I want to know that tomorrow when I open my eyes you will still be here. That all the things you told me were true. Tell me exactly what I am supposed to do. Because laying here without you is not particularly a feeling I wanna get used to. I love you remember that , no matter what. You will always be a part of me. And NO ONE I mean NO ONE will ever replace what you mean to me and the place you have consumed inside my soul. Regardless of what people think, I've learned a lot from you and I've became a better person in your presence. Thank you for teaching me so much that I never understood before. I hope you know that you will always be my baby, from here on out. I meant it when I said I'd never give up on you, and I hope you meant it to.
Help Me Understand
February 1, 2012