A Suicide Story | Teen Ink

A Suicide Story

November 24, 2011
By swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"


Hi, my name is Richard,
I am four years old.
I live here with my Mommy and Daddy
Its very lonely.

Will you be my friend?
Will you play with me?
Or will you point and laugh at me like everyone else.

No, your nice.
Not like my Mommy or Daddy.
See this? Its a gash,
I got it when Daddy hit me.
He hit me with his bottle.

Shh, I hear something,
Oh no its him
His back
Quick hide!

Do you hear that, he called my name.
He sounds angrier than usual,
I better go before he comes up,
Who knows... maybe he will only yell if I hurry.

Do you feel that?
Its very strange.
Do you see that?
Its scary.

I'm scared!
No! Daddy NO!
I promise I’ll be good,
I promise I’ll never speak again,
Please, please, PLEASE!

Its too late,
Its over.
Wait! What is this?
What is this feeling?
Pain?
No it can't be, it is harsh.
Terror?
No, I'm not scared.
Its gentle kind and suiting.

Who are you?
Where am I?
What is this?
Everything is clean, everything is nice, everything is love
This must be heaven
Its just like the pictures in my books.



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This article has 37 comments.


on Dec. 2 2011 at 5:27 am
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you. 

on Dec. 1 2011 at 7:08 pm
RaveFire PLATINUM, Vancouver, Washington
32 articles 1 photo 217 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes You Have To Give Up Your Life To Save It." ~some book that i don't remember the name of

"Live Life Like There's No Yesterday" ~ random billboard

"If No One Can Hurt You, Then Nobody Loves You" ` ~ Kerli?

oh my gosh. i got the chills. this is like totally amazing actually. very....creepy. i love the age you picked. not many suicide stories/poems are about people so young. it adds to the intensity. very good :)

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:56 pm
Donahue8 BRONZE, Lansdale, Pennsylvania
4 articles 1 photo 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The only easy day was Yesterday" -U.S. Navy SEALs

haha that was just the impression I got! haha

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:44 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you...

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:44 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:42 pm
Donahue8 BRONZE, Lansdale, Pennsylvania
4 articles 1 photo 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The only easy day was Yesterday" -U.S. Navy SEALs

wow, this is sad, but at the same time almost happy? like at the end. great piece though, well done.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:33 pm
wordjunkie BRONZE, Houston, Texas
1 article 0 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
Those who say it can't be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

Wow. This...is sad. I flows well though. It's sort of got a dreamlike quality. good job!

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:03 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you for your comment.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:02 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you Flyingjay.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:00 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thanks for the critics.

 


on Nov. 30 2011 at 6:56 pm
SophiaWood GOLD, New City, New York
18 articles 0 photos 15 comments
Omg this is so blissful and ...Awww its so nice and smooth and emotional. I love the narrator's innocence, just like a 4 year old

on Nov. 30 2011 at 6:52 pm
Come-n-Gone GOLD, Unionville, Missouri
10 articles 0 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
Isn't it funny how it only takes a few seconds to say hi, but forever to say goodbye?

I love how it's from a little boys point of view and in his thoughts... so sad... so BRILLIANT!!!

on Nov. 30 2011 at 6:38 pm
Resonating_Words SILVER, Dallas, Texas
5 articles 10 photos 87 comments

I love the way you went about this -- vaguely familiar (Google "My name is Sarah, I am but three...") But then again I'm sure everything has been done before. That said, I really like this.

The last line, the way I'm reading it, isn't flowing very well. It dampens the effect of the poem -- after all, it is the final line. I'm curious why it's entitled "A Suicide Story" when it isn't quite implied that he kills himself -- I took it as the father killing him, actually. So that put me off slightly. 

I think your beginning stanzas have the most strength -- they have a certain subtlty to them, and reflect a child-like innocence as Richard addresses the reader. This I like a lot. 

Over all, I do like this alot. The flow could be improved, and some places could be reworded to maybe be more clear (Richard committing suicide versus being killed, "maybe he will only yell if I hurry" actually got interpretted by me wrong at first XD). But, really, it's very good, and could easily be great.


on Nov. 30 2011 at 5:49 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thanks, I appreciate the comment.

 


mbrown106 GOLD said...
on Nov. 30 2011 at 5:43 pm
mbrown106 GOLD, Warner Robins, Georgia
10 articles 2 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

This is absolutely fantastic. My heart started racing as I read.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 5:41 pm
swiftheart GOLD, Houston, Texas
17 articles 5 photos 81 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If someone were to pay you 10 cents for every kind word you ever spoke and collect 5 cents for every unkind word, would you be rich or poor?"

Thank you.

samwich7 said...
on Nov. 30 2011 at 5:40 pm
samwich7, No, New York
0 articles 0 photos 55 comments
This is amazing. I'm not kidding, this is the most amazing thing I've ever read