i love the rain.

October 31, 2011
By no.name. PLATINUM, Ceres, California
no.name. PLATINUM, Ceres, California
42 articles 0 photos 94 comments

I love the rain.
I love to trace it with my fingers as it trickles down my window pane.
I love the smell of smoke piping from chimney tops.
I love the feel of wet rain drops.
I love the smell of wet concrete
the crunch of leaves beneath my feet.
I love hot cocoa on a cold day.
I love the skies all soft and gray.
Who says gray can't be happy too?
It cheers me up when I'm feeling blue.
California is too sunny.
I know that sounds funny,
but honey,
I just want out.



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This article has 2 comments.


nikky917 GOLD said...
on Nov. 28 2011 at 10:58 pm
nikky917 GOLD, Brooklyn, New York
18 articles 2 photos 6 comments
I read a couple of your poems and this is hands down my favorite, I love it!

on Nov. 28 2011 at 8:55 pm
Resonating_Words SILVER, Dallas, Texas
5 articles 10 photos 87 comments

I like it :) The rhymes are very structured, and that contrasts with the scattered line length. Some lines, like the second, could maybe use a line break. It's almost too long. But not a major issues. Also, you repeat "wet" back to back in some lines, which just is a pet peeve of mine.

 

Damp, moist. Ya know, synonyms to keep me on my toes.

 

"cheers me up when I'm feeling blue" is almost so cliche it almost works, but its not quite cliche enough to fit. Its more childish in comparison to the rest of the poem, which had a subtlty to it.

 

There's an abruptness from "California is too sunny" to "I know that sounds funny" that dampens the flow that was alread bumpy coming in around that feeling blue line. 

 

BUT those last two lines are golden. Seriously, a near brilliant conclusion. And overall a good poem, that I like. I'm really just nit-picking you with the criticism, because it has potential to be an AMAZING one, ya know?

 

Very well done, and I look forward to seeing more! :D





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