September 12, 2011
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You were born in a dream
That caught my eyes in between
Your half-crooked smile
That has kept you running for miles

Nothing more than a mannequin
Who I see over and over again
There’s nothing real about this place
Created for a lonely boy’s embrace

And when the visionary world ends
The wounds can no longer mend
I am left with no trace
Of the fairytale world, soon to be erased

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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

Risible said...
Oct. 17, 2011 at 5:45 pm
you want some critique? I like the idea. I like your poetry. But, I would try writing without aiming to rhyme...see what comes out. 
vagabond_age replied...
Oct. 17, 2011 at 11:38 pm
I agree. I really like your use of language but I think your structure is confining you
Lexie96 replied...
Oct. 22, 2011 at 10:45 am
I have to agree with the others, you are talented, there's no doubts about that. But I think that you might be limiting yourself by rhyming. Not all poetry has to rhyme, it's okay if sometimes it doesn't. Would anyone mind checking out and giving me some feedback on my work sometime?
Wynaro said...
Oct. 17, 2011 at 1:38 am
Wow, that's a REALLY good poem. I've had tons of dreams I'd love to stay in too. Great writing =)
cellogirl said...
Oct. 16, 2011 at 9:22 pm
There's not much to criticize, this is really pretty!
DarknessForever13 said...
Oct. 11, 2011 at 8:24 am
This was amazing, your writing is unique, and touching, and i agree. There are many dreams that I have never wanted to wake up from. Keep writing! And I have some peices that I have written that you might enjoy. All ya need to do is click on my username, and vola! There they are! ;)
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