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This necklace, I’ve been clinging to its brown threads and hanging
bone skeleton for so long,
is it even possible to let go?
I think back four years, to the day that we met,
smiling at the mere memory.
You walked in my door unexpectedly,
you were my prince that came at the perfect time.
You spoke persuasively, words I hungered to hear,
whispering them to me with a smile.
I wasn’t fooled into thinking you were perfect,
but I knew for sure you were worth it.
You gave me a necklace off of your neck,
something you wanted me to have,
perhaps something to come back for,
something perhaps just to leave behind.
A token of what we knew was true,
you were in love with me already,
and at first sight, I fell in love with you.
But years have passed since that precious day,
with bright blue skies and vibrant green life, and dreamy soft white clouds.
Through fights and struggles, and lots of pain,
tears on my bed and a coarseness in my voice,
so much has happened, good and bad,
on and off,
You have meant so much to me in the last four years,
you’re the name I call out, and months later curse.
You’re the words written in crayon on my walls,
the thumping sound of my heart,
the soggy dark tears on my pillow,
and the nightmares each night in this dark.
You are words whispered, and words shouted,
you are hearts healed, and hearts damaged.
You are everything that matters to me,
and you said you wanted to make me your wife,
but so much has happened and we have changed so much,
I’ll love you forever, but is that still enough?
I took this necklace off today,
and my throat can finally breathe,
I thought that we were sort of okay,
I didn’t realize how much you were strangling me.
Now I’m free from this necklace’s ropes,
and the weight of the bone on my throat,
but I can’t pretend I don’t still hope
that one day I’ll run back to you,
because I know you’re good for me,
but I’ve always lacked certain things.
I carry damaged dreams and a past
that always has haunted me.
I have no heart anymore,
you ripped it up and threw it to a cold grey concrete floor
too many times.
And I know that this pains you to know,
but I put this necklace away in a box,
hidden from my betraying eyes
that remind me that it’s beautiful, comfortable
on my neck,
I fight with myself, “should I put it back on?”
Can I leave this necklace behind?
Like an empty house on moving day,
all the memories I’ve grasped at for so long
no longer feel like mine.
I must let go of this necklace,
its painted bone has turned white with time,
but I will admit that the faintly beating heart it lies above is smashing,
thinking that these lines will never be told.
I fear that without you,
nothing will ever feel right,
even after my young fragile bones turn old.