Asthma

March 28, 2011
By Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes


Asthma
Air.
It is vital. I used to take it for granted,
And the way my body works
Involuntarily
Lungs rising up, down, up down
All until
Suddenly
I was temporarily stripped of the privilege
of breathing.
It is very scary
To inhale
And find that there is nothing there.
Well, of course the air is still
THERE,
But my lungs have crumpled,
Like twin tin cans,
Out of order.
As the world spins farther out of my grasp,
And my hands, now cool and sweaty, clench like crab claws,
I want to remind you
How beautiful it is
To be able to take
A deep breath
Without having
To try.


The author's comments:
This poem is based on my personal experience with asthma.

Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 30 comments.


on Sep. 16 2011 at 12:01 pm
BookOwl PLATINUM, Bristol, Tennessee
32 articles 5 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Theodore Roosevelt

Wow this is really good, could you check out my work please?

on Aug. 25 2011 at 11:45 am
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks ! I agree your suggestion , I'll definitely change that line ! (: About to check out your work now ! (:

on Aug. 25 2011 at 11:36 am
chloebear SILVER, Evanston, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm not clumsy. I'm accident prone" ~Daniel Radcliffe

i really like this! my only advice is that the "well, of course, the air is still THERE" seems to stop the flow of the poem and you should probably consider changing the wording. My favorite part is the opening, and if you have time, please check out my work!

hallie523 said...
on Jul. 17 2011 at 9:29 pm
hallie523, Seattle, Washington
0 articles 0 photos 16 comments
Your welcome! Glad I could help. :) Keep writing!

on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:20 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks so much for your advice ! Now that I think about it, you're right ! My next draft I'll make those changes (: 

on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:19 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Wow, thank you !! Gonnna check out your work now ! (:

on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:18 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks so much ! I definitely will  (:

hallie523 said...
on Jul. 12 2011 at 7:29 pm
hallie523, Seattle, Washington
0 articles 0 photos 16 comments
Really good message and emotion. Two lines (I used to take it for granted and It is very scary) are kind of simple and blunt and the wording doesn't seem poetic to me. If you changed them I think the poem would flow better. I really like it though.

on Jul. 11 2011 at 1:30 pm
ElleNicole BRONZE, St. Louis, Missouri
2 articles 0 photos 107 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My role in society, or any artist's or poet's role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all."

I stumbled upon this and I thought it was very good. Well done!

Comment and rate my poem, please? Thanks!


on Jun. 20 2011 at 11:19 am
ThisGirlWillMakeMistakes PLATINUM, Raymore, Missouri
23 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened."


-Dr. Suess

Wow i think this is really good, people who don't think about how priveleged they are to be able to breathe without trying, this is seriously amazing. i would like it if you could comment on some of my poems too(:

on May. 29 2011 at 6:56 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks for the comment! I agree with you, for people who don't have asthma, they could think of it a totally different way.

on May. 29 2011 at 6:31 pm
AndySixxLover GOLD, Weatherford, Texas
12 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
These violent delights have violent ends and in there triumph die like fire and powder in witch their kiss consume

This was amazing i love it its really good but it might have a different meaning to people who dont have Asthma

on May. 20 2011 at 10:04 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

This comment meant so much to me. I really hope I can get published in the magazine! (I see that you have...congratulations!) Thanks for the great feedback!

on May. 19 2011 at 8:36 am
forgottenpenname GOLD, Troy, Michigan
12 articles 0 photos 147 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Carpe diem."

Very good poem! I have asthma also, so I know where you're coming from with this, and it's a truly scary experience. I especially liked the lines "But my lungs have crumpled,/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." Nice imagery, there. I also like how you refer to breathing as a "privilege" -- it really helps get your point across. Again, this is a great poem and I wouldn't be surprised if they published it. :) Good luck!

on May. 18 2011 at 9:36 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks for 100 views everyone! :)

on May. 9 2011 at 3:54 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Wow, thanks! I really appreciate feedback like that. If you could check out my other poems (Smile, If Only, Untitled..) it would mean a lot! :)

on May. 9 2011 at 3:53 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Thanks! (: Glad to hear you could relate to my piece! 

on May. 9 2011 at 3:52 pm
Untouchable-Summer SILVER, Cranford, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
Even the best fall down sometimes

Shmelmo- Thanks so much! 

on May. 9 2011 at 2:32 pm
writingcheetah7 GOLD, Barr., Rhode Island
10 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

great descriptions!! i love the lines "I was temporarily stripped of the privilige" and "But my lungs have crumpled/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." really nice!! :)

on May. 3 2011 at 4:49 pm
YoungsurvivorLiz SILVER, San Jose, California
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road- unless you fail to make the turn"

the fact that u expressed the way u personaly feel about asthma is really amazzing :) I can completely and totally understand u, i too long to have the privilege atleast once more to take a deep breath without it being hard && keep writing u r very good !!!!!!!!!!! 


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!