Existence

Sartre
said we are responsible
burdened by the crushing weight of freedom

Murphy killed a man
who ran out onto the road
a suicide attempt
so how was it Murphy's fault?

then again
no excuses

This is the burden of
True Freedom

The woman across the street
with white blonde hair and
black pools
that search the trees
for meaning
felt this burden

So she sat still on her porch
for seven days and seven nights
not moving,
not drinking,
not eating,
soiling herself
as she sat calmly
keeping her mind clear

but
her decision to not make a decision
was still a weight
on her
unconscious
trembling
shoulders

and
she was hauled off to the insanitarium
in the wake of the eighth morning

I feel that burden now
feel the strain on my mind
from the inbuilt library
of knowledge
that institutions drag out

book by book
page by page
kicking and screaming
dead and living

Apocalypse comes
the day when a human
finally drags open
the doors to the library

Sartre says
"existence before essence"
a mighty depressing fellow
they say

but they don't understand
why Murphy shot himself
two months after the accident

they don't understand
why the woman across the street
sat so still and calmly
for seven days and seven nights
in her own filth

No

they don't understand
why I can't express myself
through the inhibitions of words
or images

this parasite in my head
is knawing away at the doors
wood crumbling away

and deeper and deeper I dig
a masochistic fantasy
until I hit the surface again

Because

it's not me
that will bring
the end.


It's them.