Porcelain Girl

By
My patent black Mary Janes
Are blurry ahead of me
And the world has a strange tilt to it
There is a constant pattering on the window
Unanswered kitten paws
Forever tapping away
The rain has become a rhythm in my head
Embedded there
Caught in the fibers of my cotton filling.
I want to be up,
and see the nursery room how I usually do
But my arms are week,
My legs useless,
Covered in their stiflingly white pantyhose.
Moving the black button eyes,
I gaze up at the others.
Embarrassment crawls through me
I look stupid
Legs awkwardly straight
My whole body in perfect alignment forever.
They look down
Judgement swirled into their stares
And I turn over,
Unable to face up to them
Closing my eyes,
I feel yellow pass over my lids, and
Lights pass over me as a car pulls up.
The door is kicked down
Violent pounding as the stairs support heavy boots
And closer they come,
Closer,
and closer still,
The vibrations bouncing my brunette curls
Until I see the zigzags of the shoes pass over me
Almost crushing my dainty body.
Yelling floods the house
Boots, tough, buckles caked with mud
Leftover from another chase
I see a symbol,
Like a spider with half it's legs torn off
The remaining ones all twisted in the same direction
Dots of bright red splatters are sprayed
A crude code of communication
To those they hunt

I shut my eyes tighter,
Whisking myself to a few hundred hours ago
When ahead of me the mother held her children
The calm yellowy light in the corner
Illuminating their bodies
Shadows telling a story
She faces her son and daughter
Finally unable to protect them from the harshness
Of the world they were born into
And looking into their innocent eyes,
Confusion dotting their expressions,
As she stutters,
Trying to explain
With a breaking heart
How there are bad people
And it's not their fault
But they don't want us all here
So we're going to go away
Far far away
But only for a small time
No, you can't bring that doll-y
I know you love her
But we can only carry necessities
Just listen,
Mom and daddy are gonna keep you safe
And we love you so much
No matter what happens.
With a feigned face of reassurance,
She had ushered them out
Sorrowfully closing the door behind her
To the one place
That was supposed to be a sanctuary

I opened my button-eyes again
And looked at all of the ones,
Just like me,
lined up on the shelf.
A small layer of dust had built up over me
And I felt as if I were in a dream
But the men had left.
The other dolls stared,
Looking frightened
Trying to find comfort
In the faded children book characters
That danced along the wall
There had never been much communication
Between the animals in the room
We all lived our insignificant lives
Never once questioning our purpose here

I felt like maybe I owed something
To the ones
Who had existed beside me
All of us in our
Self-constructed
Self-destructive
Solitary confinement

Tilting my oval head, I
Peered up
Calling with my thoughts
Wanting to crawl through their brain waves
And wake them up
Perhaps they were as lonely as I.
Hours past and the rain droned on
It was the sound of eggs
Being whisked
Rolling over one another
Again and again and again
At times it became too much for my head
I felt like a train was roaring
Right outside the windowpanes
But I had to recover soon
Or else be pulled down by the undertow
Of my own insanity.

Once more I tried to bridge the gap
To regain what bond could've been formed
I called out over the sounds from outdoors
And below me I heard a door opening
A draft blew alone
Traveling sorrowfully
Through the abandoned hallways
Covering up my little voice
The dust clouds held together
Rising up
Releasing
Like an ice desert,
They danced over the toys

I heard furniture being pulled through the doorway
Wood on wood,
A rough humming on my ear
Loading onto a vehicle
Pulling away
A crackle and a hiss,
The elements fighting each other
Battling for a win
Flames pushed through the home
Rising up around me,
Surrounding the beautiful memories
Holding them
For a few precious seconds
Then crunching them in a tight clutch
The pieces of dried wood
Crumbling from it's hands





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