Peace That Wouldn't Make My Existence Decease

Two fingers on the trigger.
So this is what it feels like to be in control.
How can I die when I know I could have lived?
How can I live when I know I'm dying inside?
Being myself is just too hard to try.
I can't keep on my mask and continue to lie.
If I am to end it, what will become of my family?
The ones I pretend to hate.
The only ones who could slightly relate.
'I'm sorry' isn't words that I can say, not today.
Today I am looking for something different.
A new life, a break.
Even if it means putting my life at stake.
Do I really want to die?
Or do I just want to be saved?
The gun in my hand becomes heavier and heavier.
Am I strong enough to hold it, still?
Finally I rise upon a choice.
The little voice inside my head told me I'm better off dead.
But you know what I did instead?
I dropped the gun to the floor, I sank to my knees and cried.
I stopped trying to be fearless when this was risen out of fear.
I gained courage which I used to confess my lie.

Today wasn't the day I died inside, nor out.
I became myself, free of doubts.
All I have to thank is that gun for bringing me peace.
Peace that wouldn't make my existence decease.