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Death's Reject

Across the depth of risen fidelity
Lift the ominous evidence of pain
-Through the faint of soulless warriors
The strength of a weak tiger
An undying faith that surge trials of passion
Surely shall we be relived within reality?

Below the bellow of a sunken heart
we throb for comfort in the clueless clouds

Your heart of stone
Valiant as the soul of an eagle
hacking the sage of the sky
I hear that
You lynch the brightest of stars
The majestic of a competent empire

Through the thorns and blushing rage
We seek divine sacrament to obviate this loss

In the uproar of our obscene obsession
We shall dazzle you with a pudding
Or entice you with our bulging boobs
Or indulge you with our wrinkling wealth
Or rather wage a catastrophic war
so we can sail in the ocean of immortality

I ask, Could there be a more demonic strategy
to chastise the fright of this eternal figure?

Unsatisfied in rigid despair
With your immense propensity to take away
So I must plead. Death…
the sovereignty of great loss and sorrow
Please
let my people go



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This article has 8 comments. Post your own!

BoosflashThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 9:17 pm:
I like this captain. and yeah, i have no idea what it's about,but I'm not here to criticize. I'm here to do my dance.
 
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Niftygrrl said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 9:14 pm:

I love the idea. It just doesn't flow very well at the top.

But It improves alot at the bottom!So Yay! 4stars=]

 
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Laurathewise said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 3:58 pm:

Lost me after the first stanza -- it sounds like you're trying to be too intricate, too fancy with your words and syntax and have made some critical errors: "Surely shall we be relived in reality?" First of all, it should be "we shall," and 2nd, what does that even mean? Your ideas are not very clear; I didn't understand what/who you were talking about until the end of the poem. And if you confuse readers at the start, most won't even make it that far.

(Not to rain on your parade-... (more »)

 
Olajide replied...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 5:46 pm :
thanks so much. Pretty much, i value your critic as one that is more than gold. I was still working on the clarity, but when a reader was able to foil out the meaning from stanza one to the end, i relaxed on revising the clarity. Though you've awaken me on the revising on the clarity, thanks so much.
 
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Ally25 said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 1:26 pm:
This was verry good. I found it verry lyrical and your word choice was great... Keep writing :)
 
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Olajide said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 9:42 pm:
Thanks for the compliment. Now my goal is to make this improve, and hpefully get published here. I need your help guys. Keep voting and sending me useful ideas. Thanks. i CAN ASSURE you all that my mouth is above my head not below my nose.
 
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GangstaEyesThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 1:12 pm:
Wow. This is very good - you have an amazing vocabulary/word choice, and it flows well. I love the verse starting with "Your heart of stone..." Could you comment on something of mine? Whatever catches your eye would be fine. Great job, definitely keep writing.
 
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thewriteidea This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 24, 2010 at 1:55 pm:

i love the way you ended this. it left one last lingering thought. i can really feel the emotion in this. i was hooked from the first word to the very last! you're a great writer

you can rate/comment on some of my work, too if you'd like. great job on this! keep writing!(:

 
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