I Need You

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You've helped to erase these tears
That seemingly protrude down my distorted face
With your gently loving heart
You instill in me my grace
Reminding me of our love
Of our destiny to be one
You kissed my thirsty lips
And tickled forth your longing tongue
I want your loving gaze
I want your beautiful blue right eye
I want your never ending love
Before my belief in it shall die
I seek your hungry soul
I long for your silly mind
I thirst for you to unfold
What we could create for man-kind
I want this thing forever
You and me, me and you
I need your love to remain clever
So I'll never out smart the hidden clue.





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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

sleeplessdreamer said...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 9:11 am

Rhyming- I'm all for it, and in this instance, it saved your poem. i thought it was done casually but very effectively. 

Couple of picky things: Second line- get rid of the "Seemingly". Let it be a strong determined fact, a metaphor doesn't have to make since. I know similes have their place, but I often think they're just scared metaphors. Sorry, small rant. 

Also, if you long for his "silly mind" why is his love so clever? I don't know if you have a meaning behind th... (more »)

 
MercedesXO replied...
Aug. 14, 2010 at 3:06 pm

thanks for the constructive critisism. first off, sorry if it was "akward" for you to read. lol. i don't really get why..how old are we? but i appriciate your honest oppinion. and thanks for the compliments:)

and with the "seemilgy" thing, it wasnt meant to "contradict" anything, or watever. it was explaining how the pain im going through is the only thing i can focus on..and the teers falling down my face are something that doesnt seem real. "seemingly" as in, i know its happening..bu... (more »)

 
MercedesXO replied...
Aug. 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

oh yeah. and the thing about his "silly mind" and then saying that i need his love to remain clever..not everything has to be black and white. he IS sillt and has a silly mind. lol. but that doesnt mean he is not smart and clever..silly doesnt imply stupid, or immature in my mind.......

...more like goofy and haveing a fun personality. and being different and funny. in my oppinion.

 
sleeplessdreamer replied...
Aug. 14, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I see where you're coming from on all of these now that you explain it. I was just being picky because I thought I would help... make my comments useful. And I understand all of these arguments. "Tickled forth your longing tongue" the implications are not at all awkward, I was meaning your word choice... not the actual meaning of the phrase. I understand with the others, too, and now that I know where you're coming from, I can see what you are thinking. But not all of your readers are going to s... (more »)
 
MercedesXO replied...
Aug. 15, 2010 at 3:39 pm

loli know you were girl:) and i appriciate it. thanks!

and i know what you mean by people reading it not understand my "masked meaning". and i'm perfectly fine with that. i create my poetry for me..not for other people to understand. like..i love explaining it if sumone doest get what im trying to portray thru my work..but i wudn't change my style of writing to seem more "obvious" to my readers..ya know?? idk, thats just me lol

 
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