Playful Agony

July 11, 2010
When the stars lay down to rest
A heavy heart is in my chest
Upon saying farewell to you
My heart was brutally shredded in two
T’was not you that made me cry
But the demon locked within your eye
If it were to be
Between you and me
You would be alive
Dead you are not
But exist you do not
The toy of my brain
Occupant of my thoughts
Be here you should
But alas you are not
The crow caws alone
His complaint goes unheard
You will never speak to me
Not a single word

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iDogrocker said...
Aug. 8, 2010 at 8:09 pm
I saw a couple places where the lines were minorly disjointed and it was an uncomfortable transition between lines (the two that ended with "not" is an example...), but it's an interesting poem, and I'm almost curious to see what it would sound like in prose. Good job!
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 14, 2010 at 7:00 pm
Hahaha thanks! I've got other poems being approved, and those usually stick to either rhyming or not repeating awkwardly...
sajciesann said...
Aug. 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm
this is pretty good. sad, really creative. but good
Still_Waters26 said...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Wow, this is beautiful.  Definitely creativity and lots of talent.  You're very good!
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 8:50 am
Oh thank you! How kind of you! I actually am not much of a poet, so I'm sort of surprised to hear someone say that!
mudpuppy said...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

Just two words to say on this piece:

Shakespeare worthy

squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Thank you! What an honor!
GreenEyedGirl14 replied...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 9:28 am
I certainly agree!! I just finished A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I felt like this fit right in with his works!
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 11:34 am
Thanks! I only wish I could crack jokes like he could and make them to difficult to understand. If you've read "The Merchant of Venice" or "Romeo and Juliet", you totally know what I'm talking about. He's hilarious! Thanks for the compliment!
A.Dreamer said...
Aug. 7, 2010 at 9:10 am
I really liked it! But I agree with abster55, you shouldn't just stop rhyming in the middle of it. Maybe you could just make the last stanza no rhyming. But I like the story in the poem!
abster55 said...
Aug. 6, 2010 at 12:38 pm
This was a really good poem!  I noticed that it stopped rhyming about halfway through and you should either rhyme the whole thing or not at all! Thats my only bit of advice for you to improve this. Overall, very well written!
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