Playful Agony

July 11, 2010
By squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb


When the stars lay down to rest
A heavy heart is in my chest
Upon saying farewell to you
My heart was brutally shredded in two
T’was not you that made me cry
But the demon locked within your eye
If it were to be
Between you and me
You would be alive
Dead you are not
But exist you do not
The toy of my brain
Occupant of my thoughts
Be here you should
But alas you are not
The crow caws alone
His complaint goes unheard
You will never speak to me
Not a single word


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This article has 30 comments.


on Sep. 28 2011 at 6:59 pm
Calliashi SILVER, Litchfield Park, Arizona
6 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The man with the key is king and honey, you should see me in a crown. ~James Moriarty

Good poem. A problem, though, you have it under free verse even though it rhymed, lol.

 

But seriously, I like this. But the 'twas' and 'alas' seemed out of place. 4/5


on Sep. 8 2010 at 5:34 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

I don't have a problem at all with using words such as 't'was' and 'alas', but I just don't think they flowed well in this poem.  I thought when you used, "t'was", you hadn't built up much of an atmosphere that would accomodate that word.  The poem didn;t have an olden day feel to it, and when you used 't'was' is seemed very out-of-the-blue and random.  Same thing went for alas.  This felt like a very good 21 century poem, with some odd back-in-the-day words mixed in.

4 stars


on Aug. 17 2010 at 11:59 pm
kill6them6all6, Buffalo, New York
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes, its the chase that keeps us going." Donnie Darko

To be completely honest with you, I think the "obsolete" words in this poem make it work. I think your writing really has this flow to it, that makes me happy. :) I could read this over and over again. And if people don't like it, you have to realize that not everyone's going to like your poetry. Everyone has a different calling for poetic speech. :)

on Aug. 15 2010 at 11:21 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Thank you very much!

on Aug. 15 2010 at 11:15 pm
bluesky0728 SILVER, Phoenix, Arizona
8 articles 0 photos 107 comments
Awesome!!! :) I love this! You're an amazing writer (I loved ur Harry Potter fanfic too!)!!!

on Aug. 14 2010 at 7:00 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Hahaha thanks! I've got other poems being approved, and those usually stick to either rhyming or not repeating awkwardly...

on Aug. 13 2010 at 8:39 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Hahaha, I can tell.

on Aug. 12 2010 at 8:52 pm
well if you like it that's all that matters sorry i forgot to mention that before because i'm the strong believer in that lol

on Aug. 12 2010 at 11:34 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Thanks! I only wish I could crack jokes like he could and make them to difficult to understand. If you've read "The Merchant of Venice" or "Romeo and Juliet", you totally know what I'm talking about. He's hilarious! Thanks for the compliment!

on Aug. 12 2010 at 11:32 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Thank you! I totally appreciate AvengedJasonFold's comments, but I love writing stuff in past tense. I'm thinking about another story using your advice from a comment on my fan fic. I dunno what about, but I've got something...hopefully! Haha! Thanks for commenting!

on Aug. 12 2010 at 9:28 am
GreenEyedGirl15 BRONZE, Derby, Kansas
4 articles 0 photos 95 comments
I certainly agree!! I just finished A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I felt like this fit right in with his works!

on Aug. 12 2010 at 9:27 am
GreenEyedGirl15 BRONZE, Derby, Kansas
4 articles 0 photos 95 comments
I have to disagree with AvengedJasonFold! I loved the renaissance feel of the poem. A modern technique would have killed the beauty of this! The "t'was"'s and "alas"s made the poem come together in an amazing style! You should definetly write more stories in this type of writing and poetry! PLEASE keep writing like this!!!!

on Aug. 11 2010 at 4:24 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

But no matter, I definitely appreciate your comments! You're a tough guy to impress, so I'm glad you like it! I mean, if you would only change "t'was" and "alas", then that's fine with me! Thanks again for reading and commenting!

on Aug. 11 2010 at 4:06 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

I wasn't saying I have a Hemmingway style, I was giving an example. He wrote it the Modernist era because that was his time. I would write in the common writing era, but I choose not to and that's why I used a bit of old language. I like it.

on Aug. 11 2010 at 3:19 pm
Dude the "t'was" and all that would be obsolete for Hemmingway too. You're going back to Antebellum times--maybe before that.

on Aug. 11 2010 at 3:16 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Thanks for your comment! I appreciate the feedback! But, I don't really care about what's obsolete for 2010, I'm not a modern writer, I prefer going back in time. I'm not a Hemmingway, my style doesn't fit in with the Modernists. Thanks again for your time and feedback! It's very much appreciated!

on Aug. 11 2010 at 2:52 pm

wow this was pretty awesome (I'm not just saying that it was pretty good) The only thing I might change would be words like "T'was" and "alas" because they're obsolete in the year 2010

And it's usually not a good idea to write in passive tense so much but this is poetry and it's fun so it still works lol


Anjo! SILVER said...
on Aug. 11 2010 at 1:33 pm
Anjo! SILVER, Roseburg, Oregon
6 articles 0 photos 212 comments
amazing. love the wording. everything flows and you cant stop reading. Keep writing, so good. =]

on Aug. 11 2010 at 9:07 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Really? Mine too!!

on Aug. 11 2010 at 8:50 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Oh thank you! How kind of you! I actually am not much of a poet, so I'm sort of surprised to hear someone say that!




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