Take me away from here
away from myself
and my self-destructive tendencies
Away from prying eyes
always judging, never there
Away from the Hell
of my own design
Away from my tremultuous thoughts
and my self-indulgent
fears and fantasies
Away, away
So I can be free
I need to be free!

For why, you ask? Because he's here.

No matter where I go
to hide
from myself
to cry
self-serving, self-pitying
I always feel him
A hand on my shoulder
A condescendingly
benevolent smile
that grimaces in its very depths
Lying eyes
pierce my armor
He is there
In my racing thoughts
In my in-the-moment dreams
that I cannot remember
once I wake

Why, you ask? I choose to forget.

If I was to remember
To let my self wander
I would soon go mad
Mad with negative feelings undeserved
unwarranted
unwanted
I think no more of
Him
I try to ignore
Him
He who is in my mind
when he is not in my eye's sight
I see
hear
feel Him
In the darkness of my closed eyes
Is that memory I regret

For why, you ask? Because it’s there!

The mere presence of this thought
of this unwanted memory
sends my thoughts into a
downwards
spinning
spiral
Shadows of emotions
desperately bottled
cap screwed tight
in the confines of my mind
Delusions of guilt
consume me
enrage me
numb me
and I am no longer whole

And why, you ask? Because I am fragile

I am emotional
trusting
needy
I am strong
in those facts
But weak when taken
advantage of
He knows this
I know this
with his every sparse word
that leads me on
He is aware
of my pain
He has to be
He who wounds without touch
Kills without words
Yet
I love to love him
Hate to need him

Why, you ask? Because I have forgiven

I did not want to forgive
I tried to forget
Push the hurt aside
letting it simmer until
I could unleash my full hurt
onto Him
I would not
Could not forgive
but I did
My heart did
without my consent
I was not willing!
But my heart, the broken
the empty, the hurting
still found it in itself
to forgive

But why, you ask?

I do not know.